Jonathan

2008-05-13T22:20:00.004+08:00

真的什么都别说..
安静也是一种美..
因为我什么，都不想懂..

i hate you for life

2008-05-09T12:52:00.002+08:00

I HATE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I brought my friends home..
And i got 2 slap from MARY..
You are lucky that my hand only laid on your shoulder not your face..
That's the love i had from MarY..
All from your fucking mouth was money & money..
And nothing more..
Move out if i'm not happy..
Do u think i like staying with you..
If i got the power..
Do you think you will still fucking see me..
Thanks MarY for all the DRAMA in my friend presence..
I love you for what a fucker you are..
I hate you for all the "LOVE" you had given..
We had not been talking for long..
Isn't it good..
Why must you break the ice..
Do i fucking own you money..
Sometime i feel like asking MarY..
Why do you want to have sex with him..
For all the sin you all had done..
I'm here to pay back..
Why out of so many chee bye..
ANd i came out from yours..
The feeling is really different..
I hate you for who you are..
I won't thanks you for bringing me up..
I would thanks you for leaving me behind when i need u all the most

A million tears left undried
A million broken heart left unseen
A smile that will never be the same again..
Hate me for all you want..
Bitch me for all you want..
Talk behind my back for all i care..

There's nothing important to me in a family now..

Cos i cant even received the greatest love from people having the same blood from me..

How am i going to show my love then..

Thanks for your slap..
It pain my heart..
Hurt my soul..
Dried my tears..

The slap that let me know who you are to me..

The hate in SHADOW can never be the same again..

What's with me today..

2008-04-29T01:14:00.003+08:00

What's with me today..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

28th April 2008,

Camp was never a good one for me today..
Feeling so sick with my fucking flu..
And yet scolded for doing things you called me to do..
Was it really my fault to had followed your instruction..
Smoking was my pass time today..
Don't really count how many stick i had..
Each stick was with tears dropping down from my eyes..
Could not take it anymore..
I went to report sick..
Got myself light duty for 2 days..
With medication..
After my officer called, i received another call..
Which is from you..
Why the hell do you still call me..
You cried on the fucking phone while talking..
And all the talks about him..
What do you take me as..
I don't really know why i fucking pick up the called..
Too stupid of me tot was a call from camp..
But didn't realize it was your handphone number..
Calling you not to cry, but tears are forming in my eyes..
What is this..
I message Rachel, what she told me i think is really true..
Why should i even bother..
Hope you could keep your fucking tears to yourself..
Cos the moment i saw your blog is fucking different..
"Took a chair and went outside my store and sit there stone..
"Scenery was nice, sky was blue with patches of white clouds..
"birds chipping, insect crickling with some breeze.. oh my.. paradize. =)"
What a nice one..
Thanks again for that tears i had cried for..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Camp went home change and look for nanda darling..
Had LJS for dinner..Thanks darling for the treats again..
Hope those things in your heart had clear off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

26th April 2008

It was the most awful day JONATHAN ever had..
From that day on..
He knew and finally knows who are the people that can be called friend..
And what are the rest there for..
Putting up a show.. Or..
That day, just that day..
When Jonathan saw you..he pretended not to have..
At that time he was already not himself..
ShaDow [the evil one] had long went into him..
Seeing with his wide open eyes he just can't believed what he had saw..
Everything was so fake to be real..
Everything in jonathan/ShaDow mind was into pieces..
He got himself real drunk..
He tears and say that he's ok..
He got scolded and don't know what's the reason..
He must be at fault.. [cos shadow was in him]
The real friend was only the one standing beside him without leaving him..
Jonathan cant let ShaDow control him anymore..
And he choose to leave..
The only person who are still with him are still the same person who didn't leave him at all..
Without them, i don't think you would still have this chance to read my blog..
They're the one who stop me from crossing the roads with moving cars..
They followed me all the way to the bus stop..
Him & her even chased me from maxwell all the way..
Which really makes me feel real bad..
I'm sorry, really sorry for what i had done..
You all waited for my bus to come..
And i left alone..
I vomited in the bus.. i cried in the bus..
Nobody cares and people are just looking at me..
How i wish you was there with me..
But i knew you wouldn't be...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A special thanks to nanda darling..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think you had really stand a place in my heart..
You're the only girl who had really treated me as one..
You helped me to sign up my internet with your name [where i guess no one would]
You even lend me money to paid for the internet thingy [where not anyone would]
You brought food stuff for me to ease my hunger [where not even my mum did]
All this thingy you had done for me [by words it could never been say out]
The misunderstanding we had.. I really felt bad..
I'm really selfish..
I had never asked how you had feel.. How your days are [where a friend did]
I even ignored you for the call & sms..
I don't want to lose you..
I want to cherish you & treasure you for all i could..
I don't care how long we had know each other [is not the times that counts]
I want you to be by my side and i will be by your side for the longest we could..
Thanks nanda, forgive me for what i had really had done to hurts you..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the hugs to you people..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rachel, Vanessa, Sheng, Jon, Eugenia, Kelvin, Kiro, Egbert baobei, Ryan...

Some of you i don't really know you all.. But i could tell from my hearts..
You people are part of my life too..
Without you all i don't think i would stand a place...

A person who is far away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You say, you would never leave me..
And you never will..
And yet we're far apart from the world..
You asked me to live happy each day..
And you leave the rest of the day to me..
You asked me not to cry no matter what happened..
And you leave with such a rush one..
You say, you would build up my confident
And yet you're no where to be seen..
You say, you would always be behind me when i need you..
And when i turn around i saw no sight of you..
You say, i needed you most you would always be there for me..
When i most needed you, you're really far far apart from me..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you sending things to remind me of you..
Are you there beside me when i needed you most..

All the things i wrote is with the tears of JonaThan..

The Tears Of ShaDow That Kills

i just want to know

2008-04-26T12:46:00.002+08:00

I just want to know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Am i really a good friend to you all..?
Or i'm just a entertainment to you all..?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday past just like no tomorrow..
Cos today is a new day..
Looking ahead there's nothing much..
Looking back there's too much pain to carry..
I really left with no choice..
I think , i'm gonna do it one last time..
After this weekend..
This last weekend..
I will just stop everything..
Won't be seen anywhere except home..
There's just too much hurtful things going around..
Sharing with anyone i just don't feel fucking alright..
Cos you all won't fucking understand the story behind..
What you all advise will just be the same..
Well i really don't see anymore..
Those people that is call friend is slowly leaving..
Those people call buddy is attach and who am i to them..
Those people who always hang around with have new friend and what am i..

I just wish to be all by myself..
The tears that drop..
The hurt that is painful..
I'm carrying it by myself..
I don't need anyone..
Cos no one, just no one could share it with you..
Unless they are god...

I'm sorry to have said all those..

ShaDow felt just like a entertainment to anyone around..
ShaDow never wants it again

HeartBroken

2008-04-26T03:39:00.002+08:00

HeartBroken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know why the fuck you told me sorry for..
When your sorry just means nothing..
Why do i deserve that..
Did i own you anything..
If your sorry really mean it..
Den fucking hide all the fucking thing from me..

The truth always hurts the most..
Does you know that..
You will never fucking know it..
Cos i'm the fucker who is mend nothing to you..
Wasting all my fucking time..
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE FUCKING THINGS I HAVE DESERVE FROM YOU...

I really felt cheated..
That's all i can say..

ShaDow hate you lots

Over

2008-04-25T01:08:00.002+08:00

It's OVER..
The tower of heart had finally fallen..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry Kelvin,
i didn't know it really pissed you off..
Maybe I'm just the dumb ass...
Sorry..
Everytime is me who cause it..
I know it myself..

I will know what to do..

For some reason..
Just some reason..
I know what i'm going to do next

The shadow that knows where he's walkin to..

As long you're HAPPY

2008-04-24T00:19:00.002+08:00

As long you're "HAPPY"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did i just tell someone that..
Oh my.. I must be lying once again..
Seeing you again.. Is just like stabbing in my heart again..
Every look, every action just look like him so much..
Well i just have to tell myself..
JONATHAN IS TIME TO FUCKING WAKE UP...

Wish you all the best with him..
Just one last look with your soul in it will do..
Nothing gonna be the same again..

Hate ShaDow

A fault hope

2008-04-23T00:34:00.002+08:00

A Fault Hope
~~~~~~~~~~~
A lie to lie to my own self..
I think nothing will be the same again..
You're in your path and i'm in my path..
Nothing gonna be the same again..
Seeing you might just hurt me more..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you're gone..
The pieces of my heart are really missing you..
When you're there..
I don't cherish for who you are..
Seems like it was just yesterday when i saw your face
Thank you for all you have done..
Sometime i want to call you..
But i know you won't be there..
Someday i felt broken soul, i needed you..
Is really so hard to say goodbye..
Would you tell me, i was wrong..
Would you help me understand..
There's nothing i want to do anymore..
Can i just have one more chance..
Sorry for blaming you..
It seem that you're gone in ur world..

Don't leave me please..
Would you come back to me..

It won't, cos you will never be back again..

I MISS YOU..

SHADOW MISS YOU LOTS

Wake up

2008-04-21T23:05:00.004+08:00

Wake up!!!
~~~~~~~~~~
The night arrived..
As i remember, i went to bed..
Lying on the bed i fell asleep slowly..
Not long after, i hear a beep sound from my phone..
A message received.. By a unknown number..
Reading the message telling me it was you..
My smile light up the whole room..
Was thinking where you got my number from..
Anyway wont care much too..
Was really a big surprise..
You asked whether I'm free.. And yes of cos..
So in the end i took M.C ..So sweet of him to accompany me to the doctor..
And we went for lunch..
After lunch we went for movie..
Can't remember what movie it was..
I hold onto his hand.. Thinking that he would reject..
But he didn't..
The hands that brought me warm..
&
The smile that let me feel myself again..
After movie he sent me home..
He had his dinner over at my house..
Not long later a beep-ing tone sounds off..
It was my alarm.. Is 5.45a.m time to wake up for camp..
Everything was gone by the beep sounds..
How i wish i didn't on my alarm..
So that i could see him a little longer..
Before washing up..
My tears had already done the job..
Is really saddening to wake up and found out that it was just a dream..
All the way to camp, i was really in a daze..
Tears was just flowing in my eyes..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A painful day in camp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The whole day in camp was thinking about the dreams i had..
I was not myself at all..
As usual i put my phone in my pocket..
But as for today i put it on the table next to me..
Waiting for message or call..
My sir saw my tears and asked what happened..
I told him, i'm too tired..
Continue doing my work..
Another sir saw my tears and asked what happened..
I told him the same reason..
After which i went over to the smoking point & smoked..
I tears.. -painful tears-
And this time both my officers saw..
And they asked again..
They let me be alone in another office..
So half of the day i was dreaming, thinking and tear-ing..
Is really painful..
And none of the message or call is from you..
And the stupid me still could tell myself..
He din even have my number & i din even had his number..
How the FUCK is he going to message me..
A foolish person like me still exist in the world..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time while u all see me or hear me outside or in the phone..
You all would see a crazy me..
&
Hear the "nothing happened" voice..
True enough to tell you all, i'm not..
I'm fucking not OK!!
Because things had been pressing me down..
The pain that no one understand..
The tears that no one even bother..
I told you all that i'm ok..
Is because, i don't want you all to asked..
And once you all asked..
IT REALLY FUCKING IRRITANT ME..
That's simple enough i think..
Well there's nothing real in the world..
Even feeling can be cheated..

Just a sms or called will do..
A simple smile from you that warm my heart..
Just one last look and that's all i beg for..

Will it still be possible..
I don mind seeing you in my dreams..
I know it is not real..
Cos lying to yourself it might helped abit..
But most of the time it turn out so painfully..

One Last Time Will Do..
Please..
LOST SHADOW

That person turn out to be someone i had know less then 24 hour..
Am i stupid enough..?

Wasted Tears

2008-04-20T16:24:00.002+08:00

Wasted Tears
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first time when i saw you..
You're nothing special, you look just like everyone..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And i didn't really care much too..
Was having BBQ at that time..
Is just not my day, i think..
Everything was not what i wanted..
I seems to be "transparent"..
True enough maybe i am..
So you can do whatever u likes..
Just go ahead take me as nothing..
What more can i explain..
Nothing much..
You should know it best yourself then me right?
The action you did the words you say can killed..
Fine.. i'm very fine with it..
Good to always see the real people..
I had wasted all my tears not for you anymore but for myself for been so silly..
I'm crying really painfully yet the person beside me was somebody else..
I could hear laughter, jokes and whatever shit..
I cried for been so silly & foolish..
That all i gonna say...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the way, after all the talking and joking..
Your face bring a picture to my mind..
Your laughter, Your smile and the way you talk..
It really remind me of the picture of someone special..
I kept telling myself you two are different person..
And stop lying to myself..
The moments i saw your laughter, it really warm my heart..
Is like we had known for a long time..
But for that i know i'm just lying to myself..
The moment you're around i really got the urge to hug you..
But after all i know i can't..
It sadden my heart...
&
Sour my heart too..
The moment you said goodbye to them..
Tears was just flowing in my eyes..
I really, really almost jump out of the bed and follow you back..
By the time i reach the door..
I can't see any of you..
And i know is time to let go and face the fact..
But i didn't..
I kept telling myself would i still see you at the bus stop or somewhere else..
I kept lookin around..
Searching for you..
But i know you're gone..
And i know is IMPOSSIBLE..
I just have to tell myself to stop dreaming..
Let it go..

The picture that still carried in my mind..
The sweet story that still carried in my heart..
The laughter that push on to my soul..

The first and the last is always the most hurtful..

Nothing more i could ask for..
All i ask for is to look at you for the once last time..
And to keep in contact..
I'm just lying to myself...

Unknown SHADOW

SMILE

2008-04-17T00:10:00.002+08:00

A VERY SWEET MOMENTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Camp was fine today..
When to range with my officer..
My job was to take video..
Became the video boy..
After camp went straight home bath & change..
Out i go.. Went to Tiong Baru..To meet my nanda darlin..
So sweet of her buy me food stuff to store at home..
Cos i would always complaint to her that I'm hungry..
She will call mi to eat but i tell her I'm feeling fat want to "Jian Fei" -diet-
She will say "RUBBISH" so saddening...
She brought me:
Nestle MILO sachets..
Kieldsens - Butter Cookies..
Loacker biscuit..
Myojo Chicken instant noodle
And
Mi Goreng instant noodle
That's so very very sweet of her...
Thank you Nanda..Muack..Love ya...
Meeting BaoBei tommorrow for steamboat..
Yeah.. Miss you BaoBei
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Basically that's what i blogging for today..
You put a smile on my face once again.. (:

Thanks once again
Smiling SHADOW

Tears

2008-04-15T23:39:00.002+08:00

Tears roll down from shadow's eyes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He choose to let everything go off after all the hard work..
Cos he knows for all the effort he had put in, it will never been seen..
Just from the last call shadow had.. it shatter into pieces..
Tears roll down from his eyes.. Knowing it really hurts..
When u treated shadow well, he stepped back..
Thinking of something bad coming ahead..
When u treated shadow coldly, he felt alone..
Thinking of been ignore..
Shadow knows in your heart it only belong to someone but not him..
No matter how hard shadow tried, he still felt the same..
After shadow had gave up, he still misses you lots..
But shadow knows it will still be impossible..
Shadow told himself, every good things always come to an end..
Promises are mend to be broken..
Nothing is forever even life and nothing can be trusted..
No matter how nice it tend to sound..Words come from your mouth & not your heart..
Every words that came out from your mouth touches shadow's heart
It melted shadow's soul..
But day after day words are still words..
Shadow had never seen any action from you..
Must shadow always make the first move..
Shadow broke down a-few time..
Thinking that you would make the first moves..
But he was wrong..
Shadow try to thicker his skin & make the first move..
But it end up everything is like shadow's fault..
Shadow got no chance to explain..no chance to speak..
Because even if shadow speak up, to you a mistake will still be a mistake..
So shadow would rather keep his mouth shut..
Behind every sweet story no one knows what is happening..

A smile mend to be sweets but it kills..

A joke mend to be funny but it hurts..

A lie mend not to be believed but is the truth..

Nothing much shadow could ask for..
Because things are tearing apart.. Gap are building in..
Shadow could no longer find his smile on his face..
A fake smile is always on shadow's face..
He don't mean it.. But he have to..
Shadow could no longer bring himself up..
No love are real.. Because love is blind..
No friends are forever.. Because they come and go..
Shadow trying real hard loving himself before he loves others..

Shadow left his table with tears once again..

不要说对不起, 原来你要的不是我.

不要说谢谢你,什么你永远在我心中.

这样的我,你也曾爱过.

Once emo you will never step out of it..
GoodBye People..

Stepping out of everything
With tears SHADOW..

Shatter Hear

2008-04-13T16:18:00.006+08:00

A PIECE OF SHIT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally i decided to update le..
People take my words it will be a long post..
If u cant take it..If u think i'm writing bout u..if u think i'm hum ji..
or
Whatever shit tat applys..
Please..I'm using the word Please
Kindly bring ur mouse to the top right hand & click on "X"
Thanks for the kind understandin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was "so So" upset & it really "sour my heart"
It was so hurtful..
The post tat i had posted out -still remember-
For what i know there's onli 4 FCUKIN name which i had written..
Oh first is
"Kiap Kiap", "KU KU'
And
Sailormoon, Power Ranger..
I don see anyother name tat i had written..
If i really did miss out, i think i had to use some holy water to wash my eyes den..
But the FACT is.. I didnt!
Why do i say all this shit..?
The reason was because:
The very same day if i'm not wrong..
While i was in KTV bringin my chee bye go sing
-cos ppl keep saying talk cock ma so bring my cb go sing-
Den
Someone called mi.. She scolded mi
-sry ppl i cant say who, if nt there will be another misunderstanding-
She scolded all sort of language-which i don understand-
And last of all she say:
-"Ur blog the POST is writing abt mi right???-
i wanted to explain really :'(
But i don have the chance..
Cos of her languages tat i don understand !@#$%%^^&&**(
Wat am i to say..
After i hang up..
I started thinkin...
Think..Think..Think...
Really think very HARD..
Is she referring herself to my "sailormoon"
Oh..WO De Tian ar...
Cannot be ba.. Cos i still see her outside in da afternoon..
And my sailormoon onli go out in the night to punish ppl on behalf of the moon..
So i really don know... :(
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10 to 15 mins later
Another call...
She was sayin wat sperms here and there de...
Oh holy shit....
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After awhile i received msg from unknown ppl
-NO OFFENCE kkz-
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First msg of the day
"Eh wuji mai write ppl tings on blog eh. Nbcb. Wuji cOme out tok ai mai.. Pcb."
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Second msg..
"Nb ai kan limpei guai lan rite. Lipei nOt xiaopei k. Ai write simi ur problem rite tamade. My hand mah i lyk beat who oso my problem. U watch out.
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Last msg
Eh fk lah. Tis Kind nO nid admit la hor. Common sense c@n -_- dun use tis kind childish way reply my msg.
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I JONATHAN NG, hereby to swear everything was from the msg..I did nt change any word or a single full stop..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first thing tat come to my mind was:
I din nt write bout anyone in my post..
Y did u called and scolded mi with those sinful words..?
Secondly..
Y must a unknown ppl tat i don noe msg mi and scolded mi with those sinful words again..
So are u tellin me tat u have frens to support u,
Whereby i don have any..
-To the unknown person..whatever i had written it don apply to u-
Cos i don noe who u are..So if i say bout u..It will really be my mistake..
I didnt ask my fren to give a unknown msg why:
Cos gal..is a waste of money..
And r u tellin mi tat u're having a childish mindset..?
I believed everyone is understanding..
If he/she listen to both the story..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She told mi "not happy come out talk la"
But..But..
The problem is...Erm...
I'm very happy...happy to have a blog of my own to blog..
So i don think there's a need to go out and talk..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She also ask my fren to tell mi tat:
Asked mi to mind and be careful of my words and for wat i had said..
I had been very very careful for wat i had type..
I had check all the full stop and spellin mistake..
So ppl if u did spot any mistakes, error or anything.
Pls tag on my tag box kkz..
Thank you..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Btw can i ask something..
Ur fren -unknown ppl- de third msg..
I reply saying:
If she wan to admit abt what i write and say, so wat can i say or do
and he reply..
"Eh fk lah. Tis Kind nO nid admit la hor. Common sense c@n -_- dun use tis kind childish way reply my msg."
Common sense???...Dorts..
And can i ask what -unknown ppl- means by common sense..???
Pls pls... i wan i wan... i wan to know...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i think, i will end here for all the holy things ba~~~~~~~~
Why i posted all this:
Is because i just wanted to clear all the misunderstanding..
My kiap kiap, kuku, sailormoon or power ranger:
All don suits saying you okie ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know i have been a bad bad boy all alone..
I wan to change...
I wan..i wan..
And i will change for the WorSt...
Opps..is for the better..
And therefor i had prepare all the things needed...
Dear God,
Please cover and forgive me for all the sinful and sins that i had done or say..
I believed you would open ur warming arms and welcome me..
Thanks God..

And for all my reader..
Please Please...
Is an order from God..
Pls wash ur eyes with the special HOLY water from God..
It will clear away all the sinful things and words tat this sinful blog had..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last but not least
Please visit:
Http://www.GuanYinMa.com.sg
For all the sinful things tat u had read or know..
They will be kind and understandin enough to forgive each and everyone of you..
I had Done mine..
Wat about you all??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Huat Ar...!!!!!

For all i had blog, it doesn't concern about each and anyone of you..
I don wish for any call and unknown messages..
For any call or messages..
Please email to http://www.GuanYinMa.com.sg or 1800-GuanYinMa...
They will review the email and approach me if i had done another sinful things..
Thank You for the kind understanding..
And sorry for any misunderstanding or inconvenience cause

Thats all..
God Blessed..
*Holy water*

No Plastic, No Drama
The PURE and ClEAN
JONATHAN...
Innocent SHADOW

What to blog for today

2008-04-09T23:58:00.005+08:00

Well today really don know wat to blog..
Well i just cant understand y a Kiap Kiap keep mixing around with a KuKu..
As Kiap Kiap knows tat KuKu will onli likes & love KuKu..
But why..
I tot "Kiap Kiap" say will leave the "KuKu"'s world..
But just cant understand y "Kiap Kiap" is still seen hanging ard..
Or can i say tat "Kiap Kiap" had no frens outside..
or
"Kiap Kiap" just have no fuckin life outside..
I felt so bad talkin abt "Kiap Kiap"..
Cos i also came out from "Kiap Kiap"..
*PUKE*
I think "Kiap Kiap" just have to save up some money for some facial scrub ba..
But i think she don deserve such good things..
I think the best way is to get some SANDPAPER and SAND it urself..
One piece of "sandpaper" 3 time a day..
Anytime before "male" or after "male"
I think best is before "male" la hor..
As we know "Kiap Kiap" so thick skin so is best to "SAND" it before "male" in order not to scare "KuKu" away...

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I'm so "BAD" sayin "Kiap Kiap" like this

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v
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But is okay la.."Kiap Kiap" will forgive mi de.. Cos everything i'm writing is the facts about her...
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
PPL out there don worry she will deserve all her PUNISHMENT de..
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

My SAILORMOON
wil punish "Kiap Kiap" on behalf of the moon de.. So "KuKu" no worry..
v

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Isnt she cute right...But is no longer mine le..
Cos i still prefers ppl with "KuKU"
Opps...
U know and i know kkz..
Shhhhhhhhhhhh...
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
And so i choose them
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Wahahahah..PENG.... isnt them handsome...
Dorts..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

p.s i really hope that person knows who i'm referring to la hor..
Hope you wake up your mind & start thinkink..
Is still not too late..
But think say le oso no use ba..
As long it makes u all laugh..
And im more den content..

BAD SHADOW

Broken heart

2008-04-08T23:45:00.003+08:00

When we wake up in the morning..
We have two simple choices..
Go back to sleep & dream or wake up and chase those dreams.
As for me, i would rather go back and sleep..
Cos dreams is always sweeter den reality..
REALITY SUCKS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time pass kind of fast today..
Been sleepin in office today..
Had some kind of funny dreams.. People chasing me around..
Playing with water.. =funny ar=
I wont do tat lor cos water is expensive..
Things so far went smooth..
BUT
Had a interview this evening.. it really upset mi alot..
I was holding on to my tears.. Telling myself nt to drop a single tears in front of them..
But i burst out while walkin out of camp..
I just pray hard one day they will just get it back..
I like this and u all like that..
Dose tat means i came from outer space or..?
Those email i saw really hit me back..
Hit mi real hard..
Do u all really have to treat mi like this..
But if tats the case..
I'm fine with it..
Cos i rather nt talk to u all..
Childish ppl like u all onli likes CHEE BYE so much..
Hope u all get rashes all over den..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don know why...
Just feel like...i say feel like ar..
Askin this question again..
Wat if one day i MIA
or
Wat if one day i'm gone..
Will u all even notice ma..
Have been thinkin alot this few day again..
Don know why also..<if i noe den let u all noe>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

我突然感觉什么都已经无所谓了

EMO SHADOW

Time for mi to really blog le..

2008-04-07T23:24:00.006+08:00

Finally is time to lay my hands onto the keyboard and start blogging..
I just don know why ppl keep askin mi to update when they know tat i cant..
Is my speaking too ponderful or they are just deaf..
Sorry to say that...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things are happening..
Tears are like free-flow..
Friends are like don bother..
Family doesnt even know..
What more could i do..
You say, u would be by my side all the way..
But where are you now..when i need you most..
You say, you're just a phone away from mi..
When i called u or sms u..where the hell are all the reply..?
Promise are to be broken..
You left me all by myself..
Living in a world of myself..
How much i had cried..how much i had suffered..
To you, im just been drama..
Well, well.. Thanks for all tat..
Because of all those things it had make mi even stronger..
Thank you..
I had never hate you.. I had never blame you..
All i wanted was just a "hello" is tat really hard...?
I think to you is childish or wat-so-ever
But to mi now is nth..and nth is all i wan..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying bout "Drama"
I think, im more den drama..
Been "Plastic" is the real mi..
Y am i being so..
Asked myself..
My answer was "to mi there's no more things tat are real for mi to belived"
Who feel good being plastic and drama..
Ppl ask mi "are u ok?"
If i say i am.. isnt it lying to you..
If u all fcukin noe i'm nt den y fcukin still ask mi..
Do u think i wan it to..
Do u think i feel good or proud bout it..
Ppl call mi just be the real you..
But.. i cant remember how i was like before..
I really don't..
So if im plastic or being drama just let mi be ba..
Mayb it might let mi feel better..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~ELMO~~
Sorry i mean "EMO"
Do u think being emo is "FOC"-free of charge..
Do u think anyone like being emo..
Does anyone need to be emo to get attention or pity from others..
When i'm emo..i try to be happy..
=ppl say i'm fake,plastic,drama or blah blah blah=
When im happy..
=ppl ask "eh u okai ma? are u plastic to mi or blah blah"=
Tua peh gong..WOuld u be kind enough to tell mi wat to do..
Cant u all tell being plastic,drama or emo ma..
Must i tell u all which mode im switch to ma when we meet everytime..
Really don noe..
The next person who ask mi " im gng to slap him/her with my dick"
=ops i cant say tat..=
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the way im really sick with ppl like u
You have such a nice name..
But you're such a chee bye..
I wonder when ur parent having sex did they do their best ma..
If not u wont be like tat le..
I feel sad for u..really =drama=
Don talk cock sing song in front of mi la when u onli have chee bye..
If my cock can talk.. I belived ur chee bye can go KTV and sing ba hor..
So next time think before u talk kkz..
=but seriously sayin if u noe how to think, i belived pig could fly..
So u could fly too with such a body...
Try harder la kkz...
Cos i belived i wont see u flyin one day..Cos ppl will open their eyes big enough to see you..
Cos i belived the earth is round like ur belly..So what's goes ard CUM ard..
Don play play kkz...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beside those things...
There's still ppl who cheer mi up...
Ppl like:
Kelvin : thanks for the big bird pouch kkz baobao..hehe =real mi=
Kiro: for all the joke tat u make mi laugh.. =real mi=
Xiao roy: for ur joke entertainment and things.. =real mi=
Baobei: everything tat u have done for mi..=real mi=
Last of all...
MY NANDA jie
All the msg u had sent mi..
All the things u had told mi..
Finally u had really wake mi up..
Fully awake now..
Thank for the power ranger and many more..
You had put a smile on my face..
Lets put away all the past kkz..
You too must b happy..
If not i will page sailormoon..and u will know wat happen..muwahahaha..
Must cheer up too kkz..
*SMILE*

* =real mi= for wat i had say is all real..lol..dorts...

Till here le ba...
Hope things just get better...

JONATHAN LOVE HIS SHADOW

2008-03-16T20:31:00.003+08:00

Play, play and play every weekend..

Well too much thing had happen..

Where should i start and where should i end..

I find tat i really had change alot..

Becoming more and more plastic so call "FAKE"

Y am i like tis?

For tat i had no comments..

I saw u twice in a week..

For tat i don noe wat to say..

It sour my heart seeing u..

It just kind of hurts..

Know lots of ppl..

And have lots of trouble...

Think the lesser ppl i noe the lesses trouble i have ba..

Well last nite at play i think was the greatest of all ba..

Don think i have to say out ba..

Wanna tell u i love u..

But is kinda wrong..

Wanna tell u i miss u..

But is kinda out of point ..

All i did was kept quiet..

How long more can i control..

Wo hen xiang ai ni...

PPL JUST TELL MI WAT TO DO CAN..

PLASTIC SHADOW

2008-02-01T01:39:00.000+08:00

Well its been a long time since i update my blog.

I had lost everything, and yes everything in the world..

I think is time for mi to have lost myself too..

Well noe a group of frens..

Somehow the feeling is not right.

Maybe is also time for mi to leave..

As for family.. Well i think i had long given up..

In army, well is still okie for mi..

But somehow i did broke down..

I wont care wat they say bout mi anymore..

I am who i am and wat i am..

Anything u all had say stab in my heart..

I cried..But Thanks ivan for all ur msg, tat make mi stand on my feet again..

As for ahem..it seem tat we are no longer together..

Maybe, yes maybe i wont be blogging again..

I think is time for mi to isolate myself again

It time for mi to leave you ppl again..

I cant love anymore..

Cos i cant even love myself..

Trying to hurt myself it seem so easy..

Wat u all had say, wat u all had done..

Did bring smile to me..

Afterall i think is time for mi to show myself..

By not wearing any mask foolin ppl ard..

Yes i admit tat im bitcy..

Tats all my fault..

It will never happen again ba..

Is time for mi to change..Change into a stronger person..

I don need any of you..

Cos to mi im always the one getting hurts..

Mixing with u all i really felt left out..

Joining u all just bring tears to my night..

My smile toward everything is fading..

I cant longer be myself..

For wat i am to u all

I think, im just a entertainment..

Making a fool of myself to bring smile to u all..

YEs the biggest fool in the world is mi..

I always tot im everything to everyone..

But wat i noe is im just nothing to everyone & myself..

Well goodbye ppl..

Take care...

I"M JUST NOTHING TOWARD U PPL:

FRENS
BUDDY
FAMILY
CAMPMATE
&
EVERYONE..

NO LONGER ANYMORE

2007-12-01T04:59:00.000+08:00

I'm living in my own world of tears

Family

Friends

Buddy

All are killing mi slowly and slowly..

I cant breathe..

Im getting weaker and weaker..

I broke down from one things to another

I try standing up..I did..

The pain is stab into my heart..

Only i noe how is the pain felt like..

Don ask mi anything

Throw mi aside..

I don mean any fuckin little things to anyone and anymore..

Is time for mi to pay back wat i have to pay back

Wat i had receive, i had received all..

I always tot and dream

Thank you for everything tat you all had let mi learn

Is pay back time ppl

Things are still the same

2007-10-12T20:06:00.000+08:00

It been a long time since i blog..

Things are all the same..

Nth is good..But everything are just gng so bad for me..

Knowing new ppl are just tat sucks..

Gather back with own frens just piss me off..

I think, i will just stick with the onli person i go out with..

Imangine two ppl wispering infront of u..

What will u think off..?

Just wat the fuck u all trying to say..

Cant u all just come out straight..

Is really a regret gng out with u ppl..

I tot i would enjoy myself..

But i was fucking wrong..

Whatever it is everythings changes likefuck for all i know..

When u're nt attach..We go out every week

WHen u're attach..I'm like staying at home..

When i ask u out..

You went out with mi..But everything i paid for u..

And is like wat the fuck..

People changes just like whether..

No matter wat im not gonna trust u all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never in life i had met ppl tat are call FRENS..

For wat i know..Ppl around mi are not call fren

They are just like my toys..

Im free i play with it..

When i need them..Where the world u can find them..

For all the ppl contact in my phone list r like all blacklisted...

Im not gonna contact u all..

Is like who are u all..

Do i have to keep in contact with u all to kept me alive???

What fuck are u all for mi to say we must keep in contact..?

Whatever it is pls stay away from mi..

Yes i just wan to be the lonely mi..

Is enought and happy for mi just to see my shadow..

Hiding behind my shadow i don need anyone else..

For all i say i mean it with my heart..

Will u all even sms mi or call mi upon reading my blog?

Asking am i alright..

Or see if im dead..?

Bloody Day

2007-08-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

Well today was a Bloody Day day for me..
Well i don mean my period come..
And i don have it kkz..
Don misunderstand..
Was feeling feeling in the afternoon..
And i saw something tat catch my attention..

Nice right when everything is open up..
So i was playing with it..
While playing with it i was watching tv at the same time too..
Using it to cut the newspapers beside me..
The knife was sharp..
Is good to release your stress by cutting papers or whatever things you wish to cut..
Cut, cut & cut..
The whole living room was in a mess..
But who cares..Cos no one is at home...

After which i felt pain in my hand..
Didnt notice anything..
And moreover im watching tv..
Later on i cant Stand the pain..
And i was like "OMFG" when i saw my hand..
Cutting newspaper becoming of cutting myself..

And ended up i see Blood & more Blood..

Actually not so much blood..
But i was too shocked.. lol
Maybe too long didnt see too much blood..
I still takin my own sweet time lookin for the cut..
And ened up the blood all drip onto the floor..
So after washing my hands..I still have to clear the floor..
So sad..
Well i also don noe what im doin the whole afternoon..
I still can take picture of my hand bleeding..
What a day..
That all for today..

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

Seriously speaking i'm still missing you alot..
The day when we are together..
The day with you..
I miss ur voice..
I miss ur sms..
I miss your call..
I miss everything of you..
But everything of you makes me cried..
I really need you now..

My story again

2007-08-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

Today upon waking up, i knew u was sleeping beside me..
Just right beside mi.. I could still remember how the way you hug me..
And you asked me to hug you tight too..
And i asked you this question, "will you leave me after sleeping with me."
You told me you won't leave me alone..
You told me you would hug me tight and make me yours..
And i will make you mine..
Tat was the sweetest love i had ever ever received from you..
My tears drop.. And i still remember looking into your eyes, you wipe off my tears..
You told me, you would never let me drop another single drop of tears..
I smiled at you and you smile at me..
I could still remember the smile on your face.. It was the sweetest one..
You called me to sleep a little longer more.. I doesn't wants to..
I'm afraid you might leave after i fallen asleep..
So i wanted to watch you sleep..
Slowly, slowly and slowly..I fallen asleep too..
You was holding me tight..
I really felt the love from you..
And i told god..I had found the one who love me and i love him lots..
Suddenly i felt the cold.. I tot he had leave..
But he didn't, he cover me with my blanket knowing that i'm feeling cold..
And i told him we could share the blanket together..
But he told me, is okie.. Cos he could felt the warm love from me..
He gave me a goodnight kiss.. After which i fallen asleep..
It was the best of the best night i ever had..
Middle of the night you woke up and went to the toilet..
I was awake by you.. And i can't get to sleep anymore..
You was trying talking to me and make me sleep..
But it didn't seems to work..
Somehow i'm feelin afraid and i hug you real tight..
You told me as long you were here there's nothing for me to be afraid of..
I smiles again..
You kissed on my lips.. Telling me how much you love me was not a lie..
Slowly you start to touch me all over...

-And the process of our making love began-

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I

I
The next morning..
I cried really really really hard..
I felt that i was been cheated..
I'm feeling really painful..
I

I

I

I
When i had open my eyes..
You were no longer beside me..
I was huggie on my pillow..
I burst out in tears real hard as if the people in the whole world had died..
Why do i cry so hard for..
Cos for all i know all along i had been huggie my pillow real hard..
And everything was just a dream..
Why even in my dreams, you still treated me so good..
In real life you treated me as good too..
But for what i know in both real life and dreams
you still leave me..

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

I know i am not worthy

At times, i feel like a leaf
turning brown
and that's because i wasn't strong enough
and all I'm doing now is holding on tightly to you
not wanting to letting go
though i'm still breathing
though i'm still getting the sunlight
though i'm still drinking your water
i wish i was as green as i was first born
if i knew you would be down there catching me
i would have let myself go
but i'm not taking that risk
because even if i let go
i know You would not let go
God, please turn me into a new leaf
would you?
and please, dont let go...

God is still fair

2007-08-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

After all i always tot god is always so unfair to me..
But after everything god is still fair to everyone..
The time when i most needed u, u were not around for me..
But im really really very glad..
Very glad tat u ask mi out..
It heal a little of my wound..
At the time of 1.09am i received a msg..
I didnt know it was from you..
My tears had already been dry up before u sms..
After seeing it was from u, i weep..
Weep not because of im sad, weep is because im really happy tat i still see ur sms..
Really really wanted to go meet u today de..
But i guess we are not fated to meet now..
Why god cant let me see u once more..
Maybe there's reason why we didnt meet today..
It will be another hard to say goodbye day
All i wanted is just you..

You were my strength when i was weak..
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You gave mi wings and make me fly
You touch my hands and i could touch the sky
You stood by me and i stood tall
You were always there for me..
Is all because of you,
I don have the strength like before anymore
Everything is past..

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

Looks do really counts

2007-08-19T23:48:00.000+08:00

When i was young,
I never needed anyone..
Making love is just for fun,
Those days are gone..
Living alone,
I think of all my friends i know,
But when i die,
I telephone but nobodys home..
All by myself..
I don wanna be all by myself..
Is painful..Really painful..
I felt the pain once again..

I have to admit
I still love you..

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

shit i got in the trap again

2007-08-18T16:55:00.000+08:00

I got hurt again..
Is not over relationship..
Is friends who got mi hurt..
Let me tell you "I REGRET KNOWING YOU AS A FRIEND"
Watever all you had said..Fuck Q, u think i gonna believed u anymore?
Yes im seriously bitching behind u..
Who cares u read it or u dont..
Just let me tell u, u're no different from others..Just another son of a bitch..
And thanks tat i had found out things from people..
Even if im doin those not right thing to find out wat i wan to know..
Who care.. Since u can be so bastard, why cant i..
Anyway i wont bother much too..

some friends just couldn't be bothered.
because they don't know how differently i am when i treated them.
i won't care much anymore. don't wana waste my time caring so much.
yet gain nothing out of it.
instead got kicked away.

some friends really cared.
but couldn't tolerate them being so proud.
although sometimes they really know alot.
but that doesn't give them a reason to be proud.

some friends i don't wana hurt again.
but they just keep coming back.
no, i'm gonna be that angel.
i'm a changed me anyway. duh -.-

some friends are just for me to kill time.
cos i'm a tool for them to kill time too.
but who cares anyway.
it's my life, i live it.

some friends like to boot lick so much.
maybe they mean no harm, i don't bother.
but it just makes me so sick.
so sick...

some friends i don't really meet often.
but yet the one i cared most.

some friends i thought could keep secrets.
yet let me find out they spreaded faster than anyone.
but i don't wana let this friend know.

If i could choose
I would rather, i had never know you all at all.

So which do u think you are?
or are you even mentioned?

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

i knew it would happen

2007-08-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

Depression had finally took over me..
I don wish to talk anymore..
I still cant figure out where's all my friends are..?
Hopping to have a call or a sms from them..
I think is just impossible ba..

Pushing

2007-08-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

I really felt the stress now..
Everything was pushing against mi now..
Why izzit so..
I need help.. I really do need help..
Friday 17th aug, going for my NUH appointment..
Will know whether second operation is needed..
Wednesday 22nd aug, going for my MMI appointment..
Tuesday 21 aug to 27 aug Monday going for store-man course..
My staying in excuse ends at 09th sep sunday..
I really don't know what's going to happen next..
My life has not been good since the day you leave me..
What am i gonna do next..
Pretend nothing had happen at all..?
Wish i could..
But hopefully i can't..
All those things came on my mind everytime when i'm gonna slp..
And making mi cant sleep at all..
Trying to forget it..
But i cant.. I still have to face it the next day..
Where are all my friends?
When i needed u all most..
Where had u all gone to?
I had been searching high and low for u all..
But none appear..
I felt hurt once again..
The things in me are gonna make me crazy..
How i wish to have a call or sms from you again..
That's impossible as i know..
Do you know how much i really need you..
Pretending nothing had happened at all is the hardest things anyone could do..
And so im doing it..
I had to thanks all my camp-mate for cheering mi up when im in camp..
Yes, without fail they are always there to cheer mi up..
But when i start missing you, i cant find their jokes or wat so ever funny at all..
I think depression is soon lookin for mi once again..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Btw was still wondering who's still reading my boring blog..
I don think anyone reads ba..
Btw if anyone do reads..
Mind tagging mi, so tat i know..
Cos i really feel like closing this blog le..
Cos it's bring mi too much pain...

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi

JonathaN™

Keep holding on..

2007-08-12T22:17:00.000+08:00

Been awhile since i last blog le..

Things was still the same..
The onli different is i'm all alone now..
I had to keep everything to myself once again..
Waiting for ur call or sms..
Thinking u would ask mi out..
All along i think u onli care for ur own "things" tat happen to yourself..
Had been alone the few days..
Everything seems colorless,
Tasteless, hopeless & useless without you..

I'm really missing u lots..
I don wanna hide myself anymore..
Hiding myself hurts alot..
Everything seems like yesterday..
But the yesterday wont be like today..
I really wish to hear ur voice..
I'm afraid to call u..
Everytime i felt broken-hearted..
The day when u call mi..
Im so happy, i could hear ur voice..
After hanging up the call..
I was lookin back bout our past..
I was hurt again..
Trying not to look back..
But everything i do it remind mi of u..
I really need u lots..
When u're gone..My heart is gone too..
When u're gone..Happiness doesnt stay with mi anymore..
When u're gone.. I don feel love..
When u're gone..I felt i am nobody..
When u're gone.. I felt so alone..
When u're gone.. My heart broke..
When u're gone.. I felt weak..
I never had felt like this before onli until u had leave mi..
My hearts still follows youWould you hold mi tight once again
I cant stay strong without you..
I cant hold on without you..
So far away wish u were here with mi..
You be by my side i will feel the warm..
Nothing more i can say..
Nothing more i can do..
I got nothing more to ask for..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just to thanks a few people,
U all did bring a little of happiness to mi..

Sora
Yuying
Irvan
Lai ling
Chin

Really thanks to you all

The day when u leave mi 15th july 2007 hurts mi most deeply
I wish u were here with mi
JonathaN™

2007-08-05T23:50:00.001+08:00

Gone

2007-08-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

Whatever things i do..
I just couldn't forget you..
Your name had been carve in my heart..
Leaving me with a big & painful scar..
I really wish you were still here with me..
I know for that it will only happen in my dream..
Upon sleeping every night..
I would look at all your picture in my phone..
Hoping to have a sweet dream & a good night sleep..
But it didn't given me any good sleep & things ended up with tears..
Telling myself not to lie to my ownself anymore..
Trying so hard, so hard..
Till i broke down..And failed..
Telling myself it will be okay , things will end..
But the end seems never to come..
I still holding on to myself..
Telling myself if others can, why can't i..
But somehow, i just can't..
Is hurt lying to myself when things are gone and saying is not..
Every story come to an end..
But my story just started on and ended with a hurting one..
WHY..
Because all along i had been lying to myself..

People i'm gone for this time..
Making myself don exist for a period of time..
Heal my wound..
Will anyone even notice i'm gone for the period..
Will anyone even care..
I love you all along and you hated me all along..
Thanks everyone..
Missing
JonathaN™
050807 [sunday]
11.04 p.m.

2007-08-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

Love starts with a smile, Grows with a kiss, And ends with a TEAR DON'T cry over anyone Who won't cry over you Good FRIENDS are hard to find, Harder to leave, And impossible to forget You can only go as far as u push ACTIONS speak louder than words The HARDEST thing to do Is watch the one you love, Love somebody else DON'T let the past hold you back, You're missing the good stuff LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around Once in a while you might miss it. And might even miss it A BEST FRIEND Is like a 4 leaf clover, HARD TO FIND And LUCKY TO HAVE Some people Make the world SPECIAL Just by being in it. BEST FRIENDS Are the siblings God forgot to give us When it HURTS don't look back, And you will be SCARED to look ahead, You can look beside you And your BEST FRIEND Will always be there for you. TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS Friends are FOREVER. Good friends are like STARS You don't always see them, But you know they are ALWAYS THERE. DON"T frown You never know Who is falling in love with your smile What do you do When the only person Who can make you stop crying Is the person who made you cry? Nobody is perfect Until you fall in love with them Everything is okay in the end If it's not okay Then it's not the end!! Most people walk in and out of your life, No matter who they are family, loves one, frens They will still leave you There's no forever in this world.. Trust mi people.. Ask yourself who will be forever with you..? Your loves one? Your family? Your friends?

Just NOBODY JonathaN™

Waiting

2007-08-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

Just when i thought i had found heaven..
God threw me away..
Just when i thought i had met an Angel..
God send him away..
Just when i thought you will be there..
You ran away..
Just when i thought i could love you..
You break away..

Now i shout to the skies above..
Waiting for an answer yet to come..
Now i prayed to the lord upstairs..
Waiting for nothing to come..

How i wish for someone to come..
And salvage my dying soul..
Fix my broken heart..
Caress my wounded being..

How i wish for someone to be here..
And make me smile..
Cherish me..
Be with me..

How i wish for an angel..
To see what my heart has to offer..
To fulfill my wish..
To let me give my endless love..

Always waiting for it
JonathaN™

Imagination

2007-07-31T23:33:00.000+08:00

Imagination had take me on..
Only now den i had realize..
Treating people good..
Treating ur loves one good..
Treating ur frends good..
They always have the tot tat i'm gng to take advantage of them..
Tat's their thinkin..
The words "we can be normal frens" are a lie to mi..
I don think we are even fren..
Which hurt mi more..
Fine i had seen through it..
Everything was just in my imagination..
Im not gonna be like before anymore..
i had walk off the imagination land..
Stepping out to be myself..
Had the really hurt feelin on sunday 29 july 2007..
Two things happen on the same days..
I noe, i'm always the bad one..
I had to admit it..
And yes, i gonna be as bad as i could..
Since is is wat i got back..
Im gonna pay back too..
Doin apart of it..is just like give and take..
So tat's wat u had given mi..And i took it..
Im gonna return it one day..
I noe there's always still some good one ard mi..
I had onli know tat ppl who i always tot is good turn out to be a bad one..
Now i had open my eyes even wider to seen each and everyone..
I had seen all of ur true-self..
And im gonna show everyone my trueself too..

Still on recovering..
Is still hurts..
I could still take it..
Coverting my tears into hate..
Wat u all had given mi, get ready im gonna return to u all..
Leaving with hate
31st July 2007
JonathaN™

Fallen

2007-07-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

Things are all coming to mi all at once..
I had slowly stand up..Tryin to walk on my own..
But many things are blockin mi infront..
Making mi having a hard time to stand up..
I don have anymore strength to hold on..
I really want to let go..
I cant take it anymore..
I really cant..
Ending everything..or everything will end..
I really need the strength and the power to overcome all..
I had betray myself once..
I don wan to do it anymore..
Life's is really coming down to an end for mi..
Who could help mi..
Who could give mi the love i wan..
After gonna be two week..
I really misses u lots and lots..
I wish u could come back..
Could u feel my love for you..
Would u be with mi once again..

Isolated

2007-07-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

Sleepin tis few days is not as easy for mi..
Im really so tired..
Till crying can bring mi to sleep sometime..
But tat feelin is hurt..
Sometime sleep till half way, i will be awake..
Thinkin u're not with mi..Crying bitterly & painfully..
The wound is been cut onto my fresh..Not anyone..
How would u all noe the pain im suffering even if i tell u all is painful or is not..
Had been weeping tis few day..
Never in my life i really had cried so much..
Had been isolating myself in my own room..
Facing my com or walls..
I really hate tis days..
I cant accept wadever given to mi now..
I had been bad tis whole week..
Ignoring people..Shouted at people..
Sorry i didnt wanted too..
I really cant control myself..
People call mi not to feel sad..
But can u ppl teach mi how..
Is just like when ur mum,dad,wife,husband or whoever die..
Can i just call u not to be sad...?
And will u not be sad..?
My heart really fall from the top..
Out of a sudden u left when u say u wont leave mi alone..
Life is just meaningless..

I wish i could
But i couldn't
I hope i can
But i can't
I dream i will
But dream are not real..
WISH, HOPE & DREAMS are just points of disappointment..
Nth is real...

REALITY SUCKS

Friends?

2007-07-22T23:26:00.000+08:00

We will be friend..
We will be normal friend..
It really upset mi seeing the message u sent..
It keep coming to my mind..
Thinking of it..I really cant control myself..
I hold my tears hard..Trying not to think bout it..
And i did it..
While smoking..
I just don't know why..
Tears form up..
Nevertheless it drop..
Crying bitterly..I miss you..
U're not there anymore..
You will ask mi out when ur off day..
Should i go..
I'm scare..
Why must it be so..
Im glad u still treat mi as fren..
U didnt ignore mi..
I just have to wake myself up..
Was happily playing audition with my sis just now..
Playing and playin..
Happily betrayed mi..
I cried..
I cired thinkin of playin with u..
I cried becos missing you..
Why izzit so..
My tears slowly had turn dried..
I had to control myself..
But things turn out not for mi to control..
<爱着你™>-是我改不了也不愿改的习惯,要放开哪有那么简单
<了解你™>-是我说不出也不承认的悲哀
<包容你™>-是我体谅的爱也当作应该

Wat a day

2007-07-22T01:55:00.000+08:00

My TooTh fall off today..22th july 2007 :(
Is good or bad..?
Whole day stayin at home..
Wanna go out..
But just don have the mood..
Stayin home with my sisters..
Afterwhich when to cecilia's wedding dinner was at bukit batok there..
She look so pretty with her make up on..
Well dinner was great..
But mood is just not there..
Desmond call mi..Had a long chat with him..
Never the least he did cheer mi up..
While talkin half way i had a msg..
First it was jolene..
Den came a second msg..
I really really didnt tot it was u who msh mi..
Thanks for the msg..
Cant don keep in touch with mi because my xbox is still with u and u still own mi money..
So does it means when u return mi those thing den u keep don keep in touch with mi..?
Well i tot i could forget all..
But i cant..
Ur this msg makes my tears drop..
My heart sank again..

I really hope i could..

But

I CAN'T

Jonathan™

Days without you

2007-07-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm feelin weak now..
I wish u were here for mi..
It been four day..
We had nt meet, nt sms and didnt talk on phone..
I'm really falling..
I need you..
But i know i had to leg go..
Everyday, every second holdin on to my hp..wishin & hoping a msg from you..
Each time my phone rings, it was not you..
Crying out loud in my heart feelin real pain..
My smile had slowly fade without you..
My days had gone into darkness..
U wont be ard for mi anymore..
Everything was a lie..
Everything was a dreams..
Climbing up slowly, is just like hurting myself..
Without u i noe i could still do better..
But without u everything is gone..
Seems like i cant ask for anymore things now..
My RQ told mi when is time to let go, we have to let go..
No matter how hard we try to keep it..
It will still be gone or it wont be yours anymore..
Even if he's your in person..But his heart is not with mi..
My RQ told mi to be strong, why just because of him i gave up on everything..
If i really die just because of him i will never find the meaning of true love..
I didnt expect my RQ to say tat..
I agreed with wat she say..
The thing is u can never mend a broken heart..
Can you..

I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I AM NOW

Jonathan™ had gone weaker & weaker each day

I had betray myself.

2007-07-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

The silent cold night wind blew and my tears fell just
like heavy droplets from the heart..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nth much i can do to mend a broken heart..
Mayb time is the best to heal it..
It is very hurtful on tat day..
The day after is less hurtful..
And slowly i had learn to let go..
Slowly i had try not thinkin about it anymore..
But sometime smoking alone in camp..
My eyes felt heavy..Tears drop..
I really cried badly thinking of it..
My campmate seeing mi like a happy boy with no stress or nth in mind..
But they're wrong..
The mask im wearin make mi bear twice the painful-ness..
I may seem happy..
Upon reach home..Sittin down alone thinking of you..
I had to use my tears and wipe my face..
No one can replace you in my heart..
Even if i don let go..
I think u had long forgotten mi..
I blame myself for spoiling everything..
I had know wat is the meaning of paying back..
Tis few day even im still quite fine..
But imagine when u're crying without tears..
Is just like u had run out of tears..
Everyday gng to camp or gng home from camp the train will pass by CCK-lot 1..
Thinkin bout it..
I felt upset..
Tats the place where i leave..
Tats the place when i last seen him..
Tats the place we end everything..
Tats the place where he last sms mi..
Tats the place where i told myself i had to let go..
Tats the place where i had fall..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thinkin of it..
Hoping to try alittle harder to held it back..
But..
The little hope and effort i try..It still seems tat i'm wrong..
I hate myself for it..
I blame myself for it..
I tot i had found you..
Im not gng to fall in love anymore..

I HAD BETRAY MYSELF

sadness everywhere

I misses you

i'm hoping silently in my heart

just a little sms or call

and

i'm really content

18th july 2007

Everything i do, it remind mi of u..

Hope u're doin fine

Jonathan™

Well is the fact

2007-07-18T00:06:00.000+08:00

Maybe if I did not try hard enough
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes in life, We may not expect things in our way.
We do things for the person we love needless that they might just runaway.
Are we insensitive or what?
Are we using someone or what?
You may apologise and pay back
Nothing mend a broken heart
Nothing can make me smile like when you are here
Nothing can
I must learnt to be lonely
I must learnt to be brave
I must learnt to be forgiveful
Especially to myself
I have died today -18th july 2007

A fake smile on Jonathan™

The stupid mi

2007-07-16T21:38:00.000+08:00

I really cant imagine y i just go listen to others again..
Didnt i tell myself not to do it again..
Why am i alwasy been so emotional..
I really cant accept my days without you..
Without your sms the whole day today is really terrible..
Everything i do, it remind me of you..
Everything remind of u tears drop from my eyes..
I really don noe wat am i gonna do this time to let u forgive mi..
Please god, help mi this once..
I cant handle myself alone..
My campmate saw mi crying..
They tab mi on my shoulder..
None of them understand mi..
What am i gonna do this time..
Could everyone give mi the power..
Give mi the blessing..
I don mind doin anything..
I just want to be with you..
Even if we cant be together..
I still can be by ur side..

Help mi with this once..

Please..

I cant lose it again..

The most terrible day 16th july 2007

Jonathan™

It had ended

2007-07-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

It had ended..
And i belived it really had..
A beatiful story will always start off bitterly..
But my story had started off with a sweet one..
So the beatiful story had ended bitterly,hurtful and painful..
I don noe how's life for mi to go on anymore..
Finally i had know from someone's mouth..
Thank you for letting mi noe..
Really had tat bitterly feelin again..
I need you..But u wont be there for mi anymore le..
What more could let mi hold on to..
Hiding myself in darkness..
Killing myself slowly..
I'm afraid..I'm scare..
Will there still be a chance for us..
I had lose you..
Losing u is just like losing everything..
The biggest attack i had again..
I felt weak without you..
Will you still sms mi later..
Will you still call mi later..
Please god, pls i need help..
Will there be a chance for us again..
I cant do without you..
U bring mi light, u bring mi everything..
Now the light is gone..
How am i gonna still live on..
Dreams are gone..
Wish are gone..
Hope are gone..
And you're gone..
I cant stay on anymore..
Please forgive me once again..
Something is missin when u ignore mi..
Please, Please, Please..
Let it be nth happen at all..
We will be like before again..
I noe is no longer possible..
Let mi die ba..
U had put him into my life..And taken it away..
Why not u just take mi away..
Or mayb should i just let u go..
Callin my name twice just now..
Weaker my heart..
I really feel like turnin ard huggie you..
But i noe is not possible..
All i need is you..
A goodbye is a goodbye..
Goodbye to everyone too..
Will MIA myself for a period..
Till when..???

The attack i had:

15th july 2007™

A day to remember

A day never to forget

A day u had gone

A day everything had gone

Missing Jonathan™

Leave mi alone..

2007-07-15T14:46:00.000+08:00

Friends, Close friends, Best Friends, Bestie and buddy u all can just get lost from my heart..
I don need u all at all anymore..
Seeing my msn nick, blog or watever den u all tend to ask mi wat happen..
Do i have to go to u all onli if i have problem or when u all had problem..
I don nid any single of u all in my lift anymore..
Friends are there for mi..
Familys are there for mi..
Just fcuk all of u all..
Thinkin real carefully do i nid u all at all times..
When i need a shoulder to cry..
Im cryin alone..
When i need u all..
U all are not free..
When i need someone to talk to..
Don think too much is wat i get back..
When sms u all..
No reply is wat i get back..
When i'm dying
Y so long never online is wat i get back..
MIA for long time
Are u okie is wat i get back..
Tell mi..Anyone can tell mi..
Wat are u all for..
To treasure..? To cherish..?
Or to put aside when i have problem then dig u all out..?
Wat the fuck for god lettin mi knowin u all..
Yes u all r just a phone away..
For fuck sick sms or called u all
No reply or no answer..
Yes there is reply..
Reply "sori for late replY"
For goodness sick mayb i had already died..
Frens..Frens.. Frens..
Oh well upon writing this will i still have u all ard..?
Enlisted into NS..Frens are like been deleted in my memory..
I'm always the one to make the first move..
Do i have to send a fuckin sms to each and everyone if im dying..
Or do i have to blog it here..
Pls ppl just curse mi all u all want..
I had never met anyone in my life tat can be called fren..
Why because to everyone im not a good frens too..
Am i right to say tat..
Every sms u all send to mi..I will direct reply u all..
Since when u all tell mi tat i didnt reply ur msg..
Tell mi ppl..
Just treat mi as dead ba..
Take it as u all didnt know mi..
Tell mi tat is ur biggest mistake to had know mi as a fren..
Sayin sorry to often irritant u all..
Saying fcuk off i don need u all can..!!??
Well ppl lets see this time i had made up my mind..
Try sms-ing mi..
Seeing will there be a reply from mi..
Just try ppl..TRY IT..If nt u all will never noe..
Don ask mi why didnt i reply..
I will ass u all off..
Who in the world i am to everyone..
I don worth even to be dust, airs or watever shits..
Ppl thanks for lettin mi knows wat are fren..
Lettin mi know fren are to be treated how i am treated from frens..
I had noe it now..
Curse mi ppl..
Or laugh at mi loud for been so childish..
Ask urself..How many frens u all had..
How many frens u can clicks real well..
Count urself..Count till u noe wat are frens for..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This time i wont be myself or wat u had seen mi be4..

Trust mi..

A strong attack had change mi to wat i am now..

And thanks to u all for wat i am now..

Never in my life again i will remember u all..

By all means curse mi bitch bout mi..

Go ahead..

The more u all bitch the more i feel proud of myself..

Don wori wat i own u all i will pay back..

I wont take this excuse to run off..

Thanks you ppl once again..

The means side of JOnathan™

Just who i am now?

2007-07-15T03:10:00.000+08:00

Just who i am now..?
Tat's wat i'm wondering now..
I really don noe who i am and wat i am to you..
Would you give mi a answer..
I wish to be wat i am last time..
Been fat, tall and ugly..
No one will like mi..
I wont get into relationship..
I will be the single mi..
As long i'm happy..
Spending thing on myself which makes mi happy..
Eat wat i would like to eat, not as like now..
Gng out with the same old fren..
The happiness in mi had already faded..
Now im just waiting for wat u gonna say..
Mayb i will still get upset..
But i think it wont be long le ba..
Mayb i had been used to giving in to ppl i like..
Used been saying sorry even if it is not my fault..
Spending on ppl i like..
Seein u happy is seeing myself happy..
But now is different..
Mayb im just too irritant to you..
Mayb im just a burden to you..
Mayb im just a troublemaker to u..
To u im just nobody..
Compare mi to ur fren..
I may seem not to exist..
I'm okay with tat now..
Cos is not the first time..
I wish to close the door of my heart..
I really gonna break down soon..
I'm hopping the end of life is coming..
Tears do drop anytime..
U didnt know..
Even if u noe don think u bother too..
Knowing u is a god's gift..
Having all the suffering is all the punishment i deserve..
Will u see a happy mi again..
I can comfirm no one will ever will again..
Falling into depression is not wat im most afraid of..
Wat im more afraid is my family would really worried for mi..
I don wan them to worried for mi again..
My greatest regret is ignoring my mum even she's crying infront of mi..
Wat kind of son i am in tis world..
I don wan to fall in love again..
I don wan to be in relationships again..
I wan to be wat i am before..
But..im lost myself..
Slowly killing myself..
My heart numbs thinkin of you..

Wat more could i do?

How long could i go on?

How long do i still have to wait?

Frens or relationship?

Tears or happiness?

Dying or alive?

DEAD JONATHAN™

Who am i to you?

2007-07-10T18:18:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should have left long ago..
Holdin on till now really hurt mi deeply..
I'm tired once again..
I had show how much i love you..
But it doesnt seem for u know..
Trying to move on harder..
Each time i try..Each time i got hurt..
Each time i try..Each time it seem tat i'm always wrong..
Each time i try..Each time i'm the one saying sorry..
Each time i try..Each time u didnt seem to know tat im really trying hard..
Each time i try..Each time i'm more at fault..
Everytime i tell myself, i will never give up..
But everytime i'm lying to myself..
Wat more could i do..
Everytime i try comforting myself, where are you in the world..
After so much i had done..It's never seem to be notice by you..
I'm begging myself to try even more harder..
I just cant find the word to tell you..
It onli seem tat i know it myself..
Mayb im just a loser to you..
Infornt of u i could take ur joke, ur scoldin..
I know u don mean it..
But sometimes the things you say really upset my heart..
Am i that bad for you..
Could you let mi know please..
Lookin into your face makes mi lost my words..
Lookin into ur eyes, somehow i could feel the fear..
Countless of tears had drop behind you silently..
Silent attack is always wat i received..
Wat had i really done wrong..God why must u put mi into this..
I really really need a shoulder to cry..
I really had lotsa of things to shoutout..
But no one i can go to..
Gng to my sister.. Is just like killing myself..
Tellin her jie.."i really wish to die"
Her reply was "U siao ar, u wan die ar? Just open the window go just down lor.."
What more could i tell her..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just hope to have someone:
Who could walk with mi in the rain..
Give mi a hand when i fall..
Giving mi a warm goodnight hug..
Walk the path together with mi..
Hold on to mi tight..
Be on my side if i need someone..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I belived the someone i hope to have wont be in the world..
I'm really lost now..
Everyone seems to be missing from mi..
Anyone tat i called to accompany mi are giving mi the same excuse..
Rejection is wat i always get from ppl..
Ppl who i called are the one tat i really trust with..
The trust in them always turn up to be a rejection..
Is okie, i wont bother u all anymore..
Don wori when askin mi out, i wont reject u all..
I will give the excuses u all had given mi..
Wat are friends for..?
Friends are for: If u need help go to them, if u're fine..Just who are those people..
I got the true meaning of friends..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly given up on you..

Slowly given up on myself..

Slowly given up on everyone..

I had done all the things tat i could do..

The thing i could do seems nothing to you..

Mayb i'm just tat childish..

Mayb i'm just tat brainless..

Mayb i'm just as stupid as u always say..

I'm not your type of guy..

I don have the looks you want..

I'm just a fuckin tall, fat and ugly creature to you & everyone..

I had never give up on you..

I had onli given up on myself..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signing off with regret

Jonathan™

Wat More Jonathan™ Could do

2007-07-10T01:44:00.000+08:00

I'm really in deep shit now..
Everything really going against mi..
I don noe wat i had done wrong..
Everything seem to be my fault..
Everything seem to be cause by mi..
Every words sorry is from my mouth..
Just who am i to you..?
Just who am i to my family..?
Just who am i to my friends..?
Maybe i'm just a bustard to everyone..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
07-07-07
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the same things when to lan shop at night, played till morning 5-6plus..Took the first bus home..When for my MRI scan at NUH so get to book out early..Reach home ard 1plus..On my computer..Always wanted to update my blog..I have alot alot to say..BUt when come to blogging everythings seem not to be in my mind..Don know wat's happening too..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
08-07-07
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slept till around 11plus..Den meet him at IMM, he work mornin half till 2pm..Had our lunch together..Den headed to PS,meet ray and harper den go to cathey buy 12 ticket of My wife is a gangster 3..Ray, Raine,Harper,David,Terry,Roy,Monster,Nicole,Layss,Imran, mi and him were watching the movie..While watchin in the movie half way, he wanted to go toilet so he asked mi..So i acc him and oso i neede to make a call to my dad, need him to get my campmate no. in my the other phone, but he's nt at home yet. Den i told him to call mi once he reach home..Afterwhich my dad call so i answer, i try talkin very softly..But the bitch..CAN SEE THE WORD BITCH!! infront shouted at mi to off my phone..But tat was a important call so i didnt.. And i answer back "SHUT UP" and she shouted back again..But too lazy to ans her back cos i wanted to watch the movie so just ignore her..After the movie he actually was shouting at mi, im okie cos i noe he don mean it..But tat BITCH tot he's shouting at her..So she started TO BARK..He told her "You ever saw a guy slap a gal" And "You belived i slap you" The bitch kept daring him..So he slapped the BITCH..Everybody in the cinema Saw.. The bitch's frensssss trying to show their power and they stand up but onli 4 ppl ba..Den is our turn to show our power..We all standed up total of 12 ppl..Their frens got shock..AND TAT BITCH JUST KEPT BARKIN..I WISH I COULD PUT MY DICK IN HER MOUTH TO STOP HER FROM BARKIN BUT I DON THINK IS WORTH IT SO I DIDNT..The stupid bitch called the police..SO Fucking kuku bird lor..And cos him to b in this trouble..Really felt sorry causing him and all into trouble just because of mi.. If i didnt make the call nth will happen..If i call back later nth will happen..Just felt really really bad..Im sorry guys.. Afterwhich he told mi he slap the bitch is because he cant stand herr shouting mi..So he was actually helpin mi.. His fren didnt stop him cos he once say if anyone no matter who stop him, he will hit them too..If tats the case i rather stop him and let him slap mi..Rather den causing the whole things..and is all becos of mi..I really felt sorry..Darlin i will be with u de..Nth gonna happen to u de..Really hope he wont be so hot temper le..No matter wat i will still love him de..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BY THE WAY I"M REALLY IN DEEP SHIT!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really own alots op ppl $$$
I'm really findin ways to pay them back..

Da jie -$30
Er jie -$10
Daddy -$30
Isma -$40
Cecilia -$30
Yuan xiang -$10
Giant mummy -$10
Georgina -$20
Willson -$200
My uncle -$450
Jolene - i cant remember
TOTAL= $ i'm afraid of the ans™

And there's many more i cant really remember..I really felt like dying sia..How am i gng to pay u all..I know there's always ways..But for sure i cant hold back too long also..You all lend mi the money is because u all trust mi..Don worry i wont die before paying u guys back..I will find ways to pay back de..Ppl pls give mi more time..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometime listening to jay chou de song "Feng" really makes mi cry..Thinkin of my very first bf..Really still miss him sometime..Hope i can ask him out one day..But i don think i had the chance..And also i really don wish to be rejected..Today listening to tat songs i cried twice..But i know everything is in the past..i should treasure wat i have now..

I think about my ex before i know him also..had been thinkin alot..THinkin how are we le if we're still together..But i think it will be from bad to worst ba..

But watever came to my mind about them..Nothing gonna stop mi from loving him..Cos he's still the one i wanted to be with..Mayb he didnt express much, but i noe he still care bout mi..And we're together for 3mth le..Hope it will be a longer de..

Ppl pls pray for him nth gonna happen to him..Pls hope tat bitch wont charge him..The angel by my side pls go to him..Anything bad can happen to mi but not him..

Jonathan™ crying off to bed again..Unless nth happen to him..

All kept i heart

2007-07-01T15:56:00.000+08:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Really don noe wat to say now..
Deeply hurt inside out..
Got lotsa thingys to say..
But i think is still best for mi to keep in my heart..
Everything i did was not right..
Every mistake made is made by mi..
How i wish i could, but i can't

Trying so hard walkin to where i want..
This time i'm really tired..
I think is really time for mi to rest my legs..
Given up hope..
Given up wish..
Given up tryin..
Given up love..
All i want is just to be alone..

Will u stand by mi??

2007-06-30T00:02:00.000+08:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back from camp le..It been a week since i update..
Had post to QM branch.. So far still the same doin paper work..
Day had been easy for mi in camp so far, cos i just kept sleepin, beside sleepin i don noe wat to do anymore..
So far the ppl in QM branch still not bad.. But haiz when it come to night i always cant slp..Mayb cos there's ppl in the bunk ba..In the afternoon i onli can sleep is when alone..
Had two appointment on july.. One is gng for the MRI scanning at NUH for my second operation..Second one is at don noe where oso i onli noe is wat MMI, really hope gng to tis appointment help mi gets wat i want.. Pray hard for mi..
Tuesday there's night off, Of cos i didnt went home, when jurong east to meet him for dinner after his work..Seeing him so tired it pain in my heart..Well those few days he was so good to mi..
Really very happy bout it..?
And thurday there's nights off too, so i went home..Had a great dinner at home with my mum..Was happy seeing them..Had the smell of my room..Is the greatest things i wanted..
Upon reaching camp message from him is somehow upset to mi..I don noe he is angry or im just too fan to him..Or disturbing him..I knew something is not right..Tears drop on thursday night when abt to slp..My bunkmate knew im not in the mood..So they just leave mi alone..
Coming to friday, there's a run in the morning i went for it..Run for 3km without stopping..In the end sweat like hell, sweat like water tap flowing..Afterwhich when to canteen for breakfast..The whole week didnt go for breakfast in the cookhouse provided..Gonna be dead shit cos i didnt sign..Always tell myself to go sign..But the lazy mi just didnt.. Was very refresh after the run..Don seem to be sleepy..When to my office started to do work..But my eyes just felt so heavy..The gd boi mi went out of the office acting so busy but end up went to my bunk and sleep..Till my mdm getting angry cos i MIA for very long..Bo bian have to go back to office..So & so..
Time pass slow after lunch..But i know is time to book out soon too..So gave him a msg..Didnt know he will reply mi with those..Felt really upset..Y he send mi those msg..
When book out le headed to PS de lan shop, reached there..I almost cried, almost turn back and walk off..I just doesnt seem to exist..Was really really upset..Thicker my skin, on the com and play audition..He talk to mi bout the GST money thingy..I ans him back..ANd didnt expect him to give mi those ans back..Heard him saying something behind my back..Was totally upset is all i can say..
I just don know wat had i done wrong..
Mayb he's getting sick of mi..
Mayb i'm just too irritating..
I don noe wat had i done..
Just msg him, don think he gonna reply mi back le ba..
Wat more could i do..

Rainbow

2007-06-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

That's wat i saw just now upon lookin out of the window..

Was raining heavily on a sunny day..

Everytime seeing rainbow it will always light up my day, also make my day..

Today seeing the rainbow, doesn't make mi have those happy feelin anymore..

Today felt really emo..Mayb till to gng back camp later ba..

The rainbow made mi cried badly just now..

Asking myself when will i see it again..

Will i still be seeing it alone..

Or will u be beside mi the next time there's rainbow again..???

The sky doesn't seem as alive as before..

Just like my heart..Is never like before anymore..

I know upon gng back to camp tears will always form in my eyes..

I belived my tears will still drop..

Mayb this time gng back to camp is the onli place whereby i can be alone..

I really wish i could accompany u for lunch everytime..

It may seems to be wasting time..

But every moment i saw you, the feelin is unsay-able..

All i know is i love u as deep as the sea could be..

I will onli stop loving you if u could see a orange in a apple tree..

The pictures above really shows the feeling in mi now..

Left unknown

2007-06-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

The path i'm in now:

Things seems colourless to mi..
People brings colour to mi..
Colour started to fade..
Each time it fade, i know there's no more a colourful day tml..
Walkin down the path alone..Don know where will i be in the end..
Stopping along, friends walk down the path with mi together..
Friends comes & goes, I don know who will walk the path with mi all the way..
Walkin the path alone sometime is good..
But i really needs ppl to walk the path with mi..
I need ppl to light up my path..
I need ppl to lead mi the path..
I don wish to walk alone, cos i know i will lost my way..
But what i know, nobody will forever walk till the end of the path with mi..Cos they have their own path to go too..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once you had light up a stick of cigarette,everything turns into ash..
Once a balloon burst, is no more a balloon..
Once you had lie, no one gonna trust you anymore..
Once time had pass, morning will turn night..
Once you had Love, Hates will start appearing..
Once broken, it will never consider new..
Once it had a scar, it will remain forever..
Once it happen, you couldn't stop it from happening..
Once a broken heart, it will always be a hurtful one..
Once you had mess it up, nothing gonna change like before..
Once things had happened, no matter what you do to it, it will never be like before anymore..

Once it is burn everything will be gone..Just like the burning paper..

What left over is just ashes..Just like memorial
Nothing u do gonna change back to wat u wanted..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometime i just wish i could be in the balloon..

Fly up in the sky as the wind blow..
Nothing could stop mi..
People call mi to let go things..Whereby i think is impossible..
Is just like callin mi to jump off from the ballon..

The onli person who could let mi still hold on is you..You were there for mi..You try not to let the balloon fly high..holdin to ur hand, i felt love..Sometime i really wish to let go ur hand..As i could just go off to a place whereby call nowhere..But i know, i just cant let go no matter how or no matter wat.. I will always hold on tight to ur hand..I will never let go again..I will never listen to wat others had say or advise..I had let it go once before..U bring mi back again..But now i know i just cant live without u too..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometime knit are just like friendship & relationship

You take each and every of ur effort to knit out the things u wanted..
Upon finding a knot, u can slowly untie the knot..
Everything will still be alright..

But once it left un-notice without doing the finish end..
Everything will just be gone by just one pull at the end of the knit..
Yes u can knit it back again..
But it will never be like the one u did before..
Just like food u had just cook..But u didnt eat it while is hot..And u reheat it again..The taste will never be the same again..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Life now is just like dangle string..
No matter how hard i untie each string..It's never work..Sometime it get even worst..
I'm really tired to untie all the string..
I need help from ppl too..One hand doesn't clap..
I had to untie the string is not really easy..And there's knot in the string too..Which make mi even feel like giving up..
I'm really tired of it..I think i will just leave it there..
I will left everything untie...
Is because the biggest knot i have to open is in my heart..
So let mi open the knot in my heart before opening the others..

I know it now..

2007-06-22T21:00:00.000+08:00

Could the angel please bring mi to sleep forever..
-I'm really tired of everything
-I'm really tired of living
-I'm really tired of living in this world
-I'm really tired of living in this home
-I'm really tired of my family
-I'm really tired of been in camp
-I'm really tired of all the stress i have
-I'm really tired of myself
-I'm really tired of solving things
-I'm really tired of explaining
-I'm really tired of talking
-I'm really tired of not been myself
-I'm really tired of wearing the mask to fool around
-I'm really tired of finding my true-self
-I'm really tired of crying alone
Every now and then i really have the urge to just die anywhere & anytime..
WHile crossin the road, why don the cars just knock mi down..
While walkin under the block, why don ppl just throw something down and kill mi..
Sometime i just don wish to eat, hopping i can just starve to death..I know is silly thinkin of that..
So now i'm just hoppin another strong attack could come to mi..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19-06-07 (Tuesday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went for Jolene chalet..
Really tot it could be a fun day for the 3 of us..
But i belived everything turn out not what we wanted..
Upon gng for the chalet, I had know wat kind of fren i am to others..
I'm just a fucking good friend to her..
And i had let her know how a fuckin good friend should be..
Which is mi..
If tat's the case..
Adeline, i just wish to thanks u..
Thank you for lettin mi know who i am to u..
Thank you for lettin mi know how i treat my fren..
Thanks you for lettin mi know how's ur view of point towards mi..
Althought we didnt really know each other for very long..
U & jolene actually stands a place in my heart..
I was really touch when i had problem i went to u..
U send mi lots of long long msg..
I kept reading..
At tat time i tot u're the one who know mi the best..
I'm so glad that i had know you..
But i'm even touch to read ur blog yesterday night..
Im touch tat u actually let mi know how i stand as a fren to you..
I know, i did disappeared out of a sudden..
I left u sittin at a corner alone..
I didnt help u to get the food..
I admit is my fault..
WHY??
Why didnt i help u get the food..ANd instead i ask u to tag alone with mi..
Is because seriously speakin i'm nt close with them too. I felt pai seh too..
I didnt help in anything, i didnt pay anything..
And i just thicken my skin to take the food..
I did call jolene to go with us..To take the bee hoon & curry chicken..
All the time u call mi to get the food for u, y did i reject helpin u..
Is because i wanted u to go alone..I don wan u to be left out..
Y did i disappeared out of a sudden..
Adeline ask ur own heart..
After eating, what were u doin..?
U were talkin on the phone all the way..
U expect mi to sit beside u, disturbing u? Hearing u talkin on phone??
And of cos i go join jolene..
When i was in the room, u ask where i am..
I told u i was in the room..ANd i called u to come up..
Whereby i received a msg..
U tellin mi, whether im comin down, u're lazy to come up..
So izzit my mistake leaving u downstair..?
If it is, den im sorry..
You were left at a corner outside the room..
I wanted to go to u..
But when u came out..I still see u on the phone..
So wat for, for mi to go to you..?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even writing this i don think it had any used..
I just hope, sometime the thing u had done or say to other, have u ever reflect to urself..?
It take a lifetime to build up a friendship
But it onli take a second to destory everything..
If im just a fuckin fren to u..
Thank you..
I will leave myself..
Have u ever asked urself, wat r u toward them as a fren..?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22-06-07 (Friday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well things did get better for mi and him..
But i just find something is nt right..
I had the feelin that he's avoiding mi..
I had the feelin tat he's treatin mi differently..
I had the fear lookin in his eyes..
His smile looks different to mi..
I had the fear walkin beside him..
I had lost the subject talkin to him..
We're nt like before..
I don dare to ask things tat i had always asked..
I had some fear in receiving his msg upon readin it..
I had fear in him treatin mi nice today but nt tml..
I had the fear to morning call him every morning to wake him up..
Why izzit so..?
Why cant we be like wat we are before..
How would the story ends for mi in this chapter..
Would it just be like fairy tale..
Would it be a sad one..
Would it be a hurtful one..
No matter how it end..
Nothing gonna change my love for you..
Nothing i had do for u tat makes mi feel regret..

It's should be finished le ba..

2007-06-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

It's should be finished le ba..
The sky had gone dark..
The world is comin to an end for mi sooner..
Sweetness had turn bitter..
Fairly tales had turn into crying of nights..
I felt out of breathe..
Staring out into the night..
Trying to hide the pain..
The pain didnt get any better..
It's harden my heart..
I think is time to hide myself..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20-06-07 (Wednesday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Met him for lunch..
Today i had taste the worst of long john silver..
The ice-lemon tea taste bitter..
The chicken taste un-chew-able..
The fries taste like nothing..
The chilli taste like my blood..
While eatin, i asked him "Are u still angry?"
Which i really take up my gut to ask..
He says no.. And i asked wat happen..
He just say: CAN YOU DON'T ASK SO MUCH..
MY heart crack..
My soul fly off..
Was controling my tears..
So after askin..
All the way i was staring at the combo 1 i'm eating..
Who will know how hard it is..
I almost burst into tears..
The whole meal i really eat with fear..
I was tellin myself will this be our last meal..?
I'm so scared..
After eating we went for smoke..
Both of us holdin on the ice-lemon tea..
U asked ur fren to hold..
But she don want..
I put out my hand to help..
U put the cup on the floor..
I was so upset..
At that time my eyes was already waterly..
Onli u didnt notice..
I'm so upset tat u're treatin mi like tis..
Everytime i used to walk beside u..
But tdy i walked behind u..
The fear is really in me..
I dare not look into ur eyes..
I dare not talk to you..
I dare not even walk beside you..
I don even dare to look into ur eyes when u're talkin to mi..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really don what's gonna happen next..
All i could do is to still stay by ur side..
I love u so deeply..
I wont blame u for breakin my heart..
Everything for u, im just willin..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I yearn to seek your attention,
In times when i need your protection...
I did not have the courage to tell you so,
It's not because im not that bold...

But because,
Im afraid you say no...

I had know the answer

2007-06-20T04:08:00.001+08:00

I had finally know the answer..
From the start i really wanted to know..
Now den i onli know
I know it may not be too late to know..
Wat i onli know is..The truth always hurt..And it's really hurt deeply..
I don noe will u read my blog..But i belived u wont
U had actually told mi i'm nt ur type..
But y do u still treat mi so good..
Even i'm at a chalet bloggin tis now..
Im cryin sliently in my heart..
My heart had stop beatin when i received ur msg..
Is a long message..
And i knew something really nt rite..
And i'm correct..
Cos i know u always wont send mi long message..
Every long msg u send mi..
I will keep reading..And tears will always drop..
I askd myself.. Y now den u let mi know..
I had alreadly fallen into the deep hole of love..
A deep hole full of my pain & tears in there..
Sometime i had try to climb up & get out of the hole..
But i cant..
Each time i try..
Each time i get attacked..
Attacked by the words call love..
I know, i'm too soft-hearted..
I really cant bear to leave..
I really cant..It's really hurt mi deeply..
Past two day i had told myself..
Once you really had found ur true love..
I will climb out all the way and leave..
Yes, i will leave..
I wont show any of sadness..You will have all my blessing
But behind the story..
I wont let anyone knows abt it..
U told mi each & everything i had do..
U're very happy..
U think u're used to me been beside u every now & den..
Im happy of cos when u're happy too..
But do u know how upset & deeply hurt i am..
I kept readin the message..
Tears didnt drop down at tat time..
But my heart had stop beating, crack started to broke off..
Love had attacked mi..
Pain in my heart is wat i received..
U told mi who will like u..
U're ugly, small gas & hot temper also fierce..
Onli i will like u..
I really wanted to asked, had u really like mi be4..?
Or u're just treatin mi nice becos im treatin u nice too..
U ask mi in wat way ppl can be better den mi..
U said gal treat u gd..
And for guy..So far onli mi and ur ex treat u gd..
U called mi nt to think so much..Nth to worry..
How could i not think..?
Beside missin u..
Beside loving u..
Everything for u, i'm willin to..
Everything i do for u..There's no word call regret in my heart..
Is because i love you..
i ask god..
Are you paying tis to mi..
To let mi think back of how i treated my ex bf..
Tdy meetin u, i had the fear in my eyes seein u..
I don know why..
Is the world coming to an end for mi..?
I'm really afraid to lost u..
I cant imagine my life without u..
Y didnt u tell me just now we cant continue anymore..
Y didnt u let mi noe from the start..
Y didnt u give mi hints to make mi leave myself..
Y didnt u let mi know early
Y now den u let mi know..
Im afriad to talk to u..
I'm afraid to sms u..
My heart had gone weak..
My soul had left my body..
I don feel anything in myself now..
I really cant bear to leave..
U told mi not to worry..
Its make mi even worst..
Maybe i will really leave slowly as time goes by..
I will be left alive or dead i don know..
I truly love u..

Alot to say

2007-06-18T18:16:00.000+08:00

Searching for my true SOUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything started to fade in my heart..
From sweet fairy tale into countless of tears..
Sometime the joke tat comes out from ur mouth may seem to be funny..
But it is painful to my heart..
Every words and every joke u had said..will always come to mind..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
U lie to mi when u're gng to meet a new fren..
U told mi no nid to mornin call u le, he will call u..
I ask y..
U told mi he will call u and drive u to work & drive u back after work..
I was lost..
The pain is just like skin-ing myself pieces by pieces..
When he left to work tears really drop..
I went to the toilet, really cried bitterly..
Is just like his takin a knife and stab into my heart..
Who understand the pain at tat time..
Before tat he asked mi, "Wat if he had a bf..?"
I didnt answer you, is because i don even dare to think of it..
Tat day the feelin was just like the soul in mi had leave my body..
Im just so lost..
I message adeline tellin her about it..
She reply mi with all very long reply..
All the msg she send mi, i read & read & kept readin..
She really have her point..
At tat time im lost & tears kept droppin..And i oso don bear to do it..
I waited & waited with countless of tears..
Waited till the time he's gng for his break..
And he told mi he actually lie to mi, he didnt drive..
At tat time even my smile can tell tat im lost..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before tat i actually was about to send him the msg tellin him:
"I'm going camp le, just now wat you told me stop my mind for very long..
Tears did drop down from my eyes from what u had told & ask me..
I always had the trust in you, but i just don have the trust in myself..
Cos i'm always a loser in whatever i do..
But if he really likes you & love you..
He could take care of you.
He also can sends you to work..
He have time by your side..
I'm more then happy enough..
Maybe i'm just not the one for you..
I always hope i could know the answer,maybe now i know the answer le..
The end always ends with a hurtful one..
All the encouragement & motivation you had given to mi, I really appreciate it..
I had never regret spending so much on you..
You makes mi happy too..
I also don know why i'm sayin all this..
Maybe i'm just too afraid to lose you..
But i know i cant be selfish
You ask mi wat if u had a bf..
I didnt give a answer cos i don even dare to think of it..
Time will heal mi ba, i hope so
I will leave..
Thanks for everything..''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's the msg i wanted to send him..but i didnt..The msg is still in my phone..
Typing tis msg is really nt easy..
Yes it may be simple and easy..
But toward myself..Evey single words had a little drop of my tears..
I ask adeline should i send to him..Adeline called mi to send..
At tat time my thinkin was just to kill myself after sending you..
Is because im afraid of wat u might reply..But in my heart yes i admit i wanted to know..
But wat if is it nt wat i wanted..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really gt alot to tell you..
But will you listen to mi..?
We know each other for abt 2 mth..I had onli asked u out for 2 time..But been rejected..
Till now i don even dare to ask you out..Just hopping & waitin for ur call to ask mi out..
As i did said, i always have the trust in you..but i just don have the trust in mi..
Maybe i just think too much..
I wanted to ask you alot of qns..But i just don have the gut..
Sometime the joke u and ray had said..
I heard..I just pretend i didnt really noe..
But hearing it..Just make myself crying silently in my heart..
Just like the joke u all had made yesterday..
I was totally upset..Till my heart had sank..
Sometime i really don know wat u had say is serious or joking..
It sounds jokin to mi, but izzit serious from ur heart..? I wanted to know as always..
Sometime u asked mi whether i mind anot..
I told u i dont mind..
Actually i really do mind..
But wat if i say i really mind..Would u nt do it..?
I don noe why the word u had said yesterday kept crossin my mind..
Do u still have feelin for him..? i wanted to ask too..but can i?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tis two day i had been thinkin and thinking..?
Should i give up..?
Should i walk out..?
Should i leave..?
I kept askin myself all tis..
Wat i can say is i really really cant bear to do it..
U're the first & onli guy i had countless tears..
U're the first & onli guy i had willin to spent on without regret..
U're the first & onli guy which i really want to be with..
I ask god..Izzit a pay back for mi for treating my ex like wat i'm suffering now?
God didnt give mi a answer..i knew it in my heart..
I really cant think of wat will happen when you're gone..
I really cant imagine me without you
When u're gng i count the step tat u take..
Do u see how much i need you..
When u're gone pieces of my heart is missin you..
I had never felt tis way before..
Everything tat i do remind mi of you..
And the thing u left, they lie on my table..
They smell just like u..
I just love all the thing u do it for mi..
Did u see how much i need u..
As long as the star shine down from heaven..
And the river running to the sea..
To the end of time forever..
U're the onli love i need..
I will never leave u, i really need u..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But tis time i had told myself..
One day or anytime..
U had known someone who like u and u like him..
He can give u everything tat i cant..
He gt the time by ur side..
He can really take care of you..
He can take ur attitude..
He can take ur joke..nt like mi..
Im more den happy enough..
I will leave myself..
Just take it as every end of fairy tale.. U & the someone will live happily ever after with my blessin too..
Don need to care abt mi..
Don need to bother with mi..
Don look back to mi..
Just go with the someone..
Just don look back..
I cant imagine wat will i become..
I might go mad..
I might die of pain..
Just let mi be..and go with him..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Searching for my true SOUL

A long blog

2007-06-17T20:07:00.000+08:00

It been a week since i blog
Was in camp
Btw i would like to says to lob..
Don get misunderstood by wat my post had say..
Is just a thinkin for myself
It will be a long post im gng to write..
If nt interested..
Saw the top right hand X, just click and fuck off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well on monday, i had declare to my sir le..
He refer to my another sir, so onli both of them knows..
Tat week for mi was really hard..
Tat week did pass fast..But is hard to past
Tuesday my branch in camp went to escape theme park
I didnt join them..Cos i don like the ppl in my branch..Cos they r just too str8
I told my sir i don want to go..He ask why..
I told him cos i just had operation so don think i can play..& also i had nt much money le..
My sir say he will pay for mi but i don wan..
So he say he wont force mi..
So i didnt go..
Went nights off..Goes to bukit panjang and meet him for dinner..
Afterwhich he told mi roy,monster,nicole and ray is meetin him for dinner too..
So we had our dinner at kopitiam together..
Brought him a shirt tat he like
After dinner went to smoke
And we went off le..
On the way to camp in LRT
He send mi a msg, tat was the sweetest msg he ever had send mi..
Im just happy tat he like the shirt i buy for him..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On wednesday went to see MO(medical officer) in camp tat my sir had arrange for mi..
So i told the MO everything..The MO will arrange for mi to see the don noe wat..
But don noe when
Den was given excuse for running,marching,jumping,heavy load and guard duty for a mth
Still waiting for all the arrangment..
Hate it man..But just hope everything will goes smooth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday didnt meet him so i went home to had dinner

I miss everything so much

My home, my room, my com, my bed and everything in my house

Had dinner, half way my mum came back..

She did talk to mi..i oso talk to her..

Actually i was happy..

Afterwhich bath and use my com..

Lie on my bed for awhile..

And is almost time to leave home..

Tears drop down silently before leaving

Suddenly i just cried bitterly

I don wan to leave my house

I would rather just die at home..

I always used to hate home

But not now..

Even if u're not close with ur family..

Home is still always a better place to be in..

I still had to act strongly to walk out of my house..

I was strong on the outside but crying very painfuly in my heart..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On friday didnt really sleep well

Had to help out for the new enlistee ppl..

Wake up early in the morni ard 6am..

Den the nite befor oso didnt sleep..

Have to look after things for them..

After tat went to NUH for my appointment

There's gd news & bad new's

Gd news is i gt one week MC..

Bad news is i need to undergo a second operation..

Everything was just in a mess..

I hope i could

But i just cant...

Wat more could i do

2007-06-10T02:37:00.000+08:00

I know ppl cares bout mi..
They encourage mi by many way..
They called mi, sms mi, tag on my blog and chat with mi on msn..
And many more..
They use word like "don think so much or is wont be tat bad" & many more..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On my tagbox
"Lob" i noe u had tag on my tagbox..
Tellin mi to look on e bright side
Tellin mi sometime u felt unwelcome & no one bother abt u
Tellin mi if ppl don bother, go bother abt them
Tellin mi if i felt out of place, den try to b centre of the attraction
Tellin mi to be myself
Tellin mi nt to get stress on myself, is unheathly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I understand wat u're trying to say
I appreciate it, thank you..
But wat i can say is "U're nt mi, u don know wat is happening"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes tellin mi to look on the bright side..
.Dose looking on the bright side help mi solve my problem?
.Dose looking on the bright side help mi get wat i wan?
.Dose looking on the bright side help mi heal the pain in mi?
.Does looking on the bright side help mi heal the hurt in mi?
.Does looking on the bright side makes money drop down from the sky?
.Does looking on the bright side help mi to get the love from my family like before?
.Does looking on the bright side makes a broken heart into shape
.Does looking on the bright side makes mi no need to go for NS?
.Does looking on the bright side makes mi happy?
.Does looking on the bright side let a dead come to life?
.Does looking on the bright side makes mi live forever?
.Does looking on the bright side makes the one i love to be with mi?
.Does looking on the bright side makes everyone don die?
.Does looking on the bright side always lead a happily ever after just like fairy tale?
.Does looking on the bright side let u do wat u wanted to and is always sucess?
.Does looking on the bright side let mi have wat i wanted even if it wrong?
.Does looking on the bright side makes everyone happy?
.Does looking on the bright side will makes miracle?
.Does looking on the bright side wont make human turn old?
Can u answer to all of my questions???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tellin mi if ppl don bother bout mi den go bother ppl
Isnt it childish?
If ppl really don even bother mi
Do i still have to thicker my skin to go bother them?
I cant even handle myself
Yet i still go bother them?
I need someone to care for mi, yet i still take up my time go bother them??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.If i felt out of place, den try to b centre of the attraction???
Are u trying to make mi as a fool?
Are u trying to call mi to be a clown goes ard and entertain ppl?
Do i have to attract ppl's attraction to let them pity on mi???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be myself??
Yes, im always doing it
But ppl goes away from mi when im been myself..
I hurt ppl's feelin for been myself..
So wats more could i do??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.Tellin mi nt to get stress on myself, is unheathly
Do u think i want to bring stress to myself..
Do u think everyone likes been stress?
I know is unheathly, but wat can i do
Could u teach mi wat to do?
Could u bring mi the bright side???
Can you??
Just can you, even if i don noe u..
I KNOW U CANT...
So before u tag on my tagbox..
Pls think before wat's come out..
Is nt as easy..
If everyone is always lookin on the bright side of life?
Y do ppl still die of commiting suicide?
Y do ppl end up in mental hospital?
Y do ppl still cry??
There's alot alot of "WHY" i wanna know..

Cried

2007-06-09T18:28:00.000+08:00

在我最后一次
闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使劲全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活
下去先走了去了好远的地方
不能再陪你看日出等不到天亮
所有回忆没去
却并不容易生死由天决定
不要太伤心我使劲全力
不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去 .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday
~~~~~~~~
Cryin had been part of my life
Went to camp
Before i live my house i cried
Sittin at the MRT control station i cried
In the train i kept thinkin
Reached the camp, i felt like running away
But i know i cant
Reach my bunk, i felt totally lost
I saw new faces
They look at mi as if they saw ghost..
No one talks to mi
No one i can talk to
Taking my cigarette & lighter
When to the smokin point
While smokin i really cried so much..
I miss home
I miss my mum
I miss my dad
I miss my sisters
I miss my room
I miss my bed
I miss everything i had outside..
While callin my dad to tell him i had reach camp
I was some sort crying
I just act like i was nt, i don wan my dad to know...
Afterwhich i when to smoke again
Lie to myself tat i can sleep
But i cant..
Lyin on bed, without a pillow
I cried again..
I still had to borrow a pillow from some ppl..
Y izzit so?
I had to pack my cupboard
Everything was in a mess
I lost my leather boots..
I lost lotsa of things..
I cried again..
Tellin ppl in my bunk i lost so many thing
No one bother about mi
No one bother to even help mi to look for it..
They just laugh and said it like tat de..
Once again i went out & cried again..
Y izzit so..
Y must they treats mi like tat..
They always sees mi as a happy guy
But im not..
No one i can talk to
No one bother abt mi..
Life really sucks..
I gt the urge to kill myself at tat point..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While friday book out
I when str8 to look for him..
I waited for him till after work..
And headed to ps's lan shop..
I missed him so much, i wanted to tell him so
I just afaid of wat he will reply..
Nicole, ray,monster,roy and raine was there..
Afterwhich ard 4plus we're leavin from the lan shop..
They wanted to play majong..
So headed to monster house..
He just throw mi aside..
He didnt talk to mi
Nth at all..
As in i really felt so extra or left out..
I really don noe..
I always wanted to ask wat u treated mi in ur heart..
I always wanted to ask
But the useless mi, just don have the gut..
Halfway from the majong..
We went out to smoke..
I smoked the sec stick..
They had finished smoking.
I tot u will wait for mi..
But end up u go in the house the first..
I was left there alone..
I don felt welcom at all..
Was sittin at the top edge..
Lookin down was quite high..
I wish some1 will push mi down or i had the guts to jump down..
I was thinkin how's his react when he sees mi lying down there..
I just felt im a nobody to u...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10-06-07 (sat)
~~~~~~~~~~~
As for tdy i noe u're still sleepin..
I noe u're really tired
So i didnt want to disturb u..
Wait till u sms mi..
I really wanted to ask u out for dinner with mi
But i didnt do it again..
Im scare or i rather knows it will be a rejection
So i didnt ask..
Im afraid of been rejected..
U're my onli hope to live
U're my onli motivation to carry on in ns..
U're just part of my life as i had say...
I just so so afraid u will leave mi..
I did so many things just hope tat u will be happy..
I did wat i could..
Seein u happy it just like a reflect to mi, whereby im happy too..
Is enough for mi..
Wat more could i do..
From now i cant really see u everyday..
Which makes my heartbroken or it is sour in my heart..
I really really don noe wat more i could do for u..
I noe the ans in my heart
I cant bear to leave u..
I just cant..
I just afraid it will turn out the other way, which is u will leave mi..
If tis day were to come..
Mayb tat might be the last day im living
I really mean it..
U're my onli hope & everything to mi now..
Mayb u wont be there for mi..
Mayb ur love to mi was never there
But i swear tat my love for u is really true..
If im away, i don mind u're not thinkin of mi..
All i wish is u could just hold my hand and walk our live together,,
I think tis is the most horrible post i ever blog
Im really cryin so terrible..
I don ask for anymore again
All i ask for is onli i could end my day now...

A wonderful day i had 06.06.07

2007-06-07T01:46:00.000+08:00

I Belived pictures tell everything

06-06-2007 (Wednesday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well today was having a real great day..
Was my darlin birthday..
Was with
Roy, Monster, Nicole,Zombiie, layys, Irman, Ah Ger & my darlin
We meet ard 1pm at town
Everyone was so well dress..
Nicole was the 1 tat make my eyes cant get off from her..
She's really pretty.. And look really nice tdy..
But too bad i had gt no interest in them..lol
Well went to lan shop at cineleisure for awhile & head for movie..
We watch sherk 3..well actually i had already watch online..
But ish okie..
After movie went to have our dinner at Swensen..
Had lots of fun..
Den headed to ps lan shop..
Gaming all the way...
Btw felt quite bad..
Cos darlin actually pay all the things for mi as im broke..
Thanks darlin..i love u..muack..ops..
By the way i don think i need to say whose my darlin le ba..
Hint Hint: In the pic someone hold my hand..And tat's my darlin..
I am wat i am now...
Anyone who cant accept mi because im wat im now
Don think i will accept who u r whereby u cant accept mi..
Everyone live once..Live for wat u wan..
And tat's wat i belived..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well gng to camp tonight..
Wont be updating too often le..
Hope i wont leave my house with wet eyes..

Lost of everything

2007-06-06T01:37:00.000+08:00

Everything seem to go against mi..

No matter how hard i do, i was wrong

No matter how hard i try, i was wrong

No matter how much effort i had put in, i was wrong

No matter how much i had give in, i was wrong

No matter wat i had done, i was still wrong

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever i had put in or give in

Not a fuckin single human being knows

I had put in with all my heart..

Had u?

I had always give in to u..

Had u?

U're always on my mind..

Am i to u?

Knowing so much, just so much..

I had never ever asked before..

Seein wat i should nt had seen

I kept quiet

Wat more could i do..

I just felt been ignore always & always..

I tell myself mayb u're busy, to make myself feel better

I guess i was wrong...

I should nt had done so much

I should nt have put in too much

I should nt have fallen to deeply in..

No matter wat i had say, i never ever blame u..

Is because i love u..

I was thinkin, would u be there when i need u???

But i noe, i will never get the answer...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt lots of things in my mind..

I gt alot alot to say..

I don noe who i can say to..

I got alot alot of things hidden in my heart

I wish i could say it all out..

I just cant hide it anymore....

I really really don wish to hide anymore..

It really painful & hurtful to hide those things all by myself..

Cryin & cryin is all i could do..

Is just like skining mi alive..

Angel just stop mi from sayin..

Devil told mi wat so big deal abt it..Just let others to know u

U're just who u belong to..

I'm stuck in between of angel & devil..
Y cant someone bring mi away from them..
I'm just living in confusion and been control
I don have a mind of myself
I need someone to guide mi
I even cry just thinkin of gng back camp
I cry thinkin of him
I even cry tellin myself nt to think, but i cant
I think im closin my blog down soon...
I don wish to see all those unhappiness thingy in it anymore..Should i?
I just need some1 who could lights up my day & make my day tat's all i ask for
Am i askin too much..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wish u a happy 21st birthday, hope u will get well soon..I just really wish u would be there for mi..Whereby Im always there for u...I love u deeply...

I had think it carefully

2007-06-04T02:35:00.000+08:00

Wo Hui Hao Hao Guo de

Because of u been part in my life

I will treasure every moment we spend together

I love u for who u are..

Thanks for been there for mi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well i had think it carefully for everything

Maybe i'm just thinkin too much..

Due to gng back camp soon, so was quite down about it..

Niway no matter wat i do, i still have to go back camp..

So there's nth i could do..

I know u would be there for mi..

I wont pretend about anything

I have the trust in you

No matter wat i saw or heard

Is abit upset & hurting for mi

But i will just follow as wat my heart goes..

The onli thing tat i wanted to know was just wat u told xiao ray abt

And tat's all i wanna know..

I noe i could go ask ray

But i don think it will be good..

I cant do anything..

Im actually quite afraid of it..

Mayb my confident is not there yet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Btw soon i gonna MIA from my blog, msn, friendster le ba..

Hope i still could update my blog..

Even if i didnt

Mayb no one is readin also...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last of all

If any fucker who wanna comments in my tag box..

Pls "THINK TWICE" before u press the keyboard "ENTER"

I don need any fucker to teach mi wat to do

I don need any fucker to pity on mi..

I just want to express on my days...

But of cos to my those fren who i noe

U all r welcome for sure..

In anything i do, it may sounds stupid or foolish i don need u all to care..

If u all r too free...

Mayb u all can go fuck ur mum/dad

They r workin so hard for u all and u all seem too free..

Or u all r just having lack of sex....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crying alone

2007-06-02T16:37:00.000+08:00

Crying silently alone is wat jonathan always do..
Nth else i could do
Yesterday was a night which i can just sleep so easily
Most of the night i cant sleep
Cos yesterday was the nite i cry to bed
I leave my com table with wet eyes..
I think tat's the most heartbroken things i ever had in life..
Which is somehow killin mi
Today i did something bad again..
I noe tat i cant actually do tat..
But im just so afraid of losin u..
I was already cryin badly le
After readin it..i cried even worst..
I don ask for more
Really i don
What i ask for is onli for him nt to leave mi
I don ask for more
Mayb im just nt the type of guy u like
Im not gd lookin
Im not rich
Im fat or wat so ever..
Y cant u just let mi know
Rather den killin myself slowly & slowly..
Wat i could say is i really cant take it anymore
Y don u just throw the bomb at mi
And let mi die
Rather den letting mi suffer
Lettin mi to pretend nth had happen
Is nt tat i don trust u
Is tat i don trust myself
Nth i really could do..
Let the tears do my job ba..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I’m away would you still think of me?
And wish that you could hold me now
Would you die for me, would you run with me all the Way
Would you be there to love, to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one, to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be there? to kiss my pain away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I belived it will never happen on mi
It will onli happen for mi to cry silently alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well just now the first guy i was seein last time, chat with mi online
Though we didnt get into r/s
Because of him, i am wat i am now
Because of him i change really alot
He's the one who also hurt mi lots
But i still like him..
This time for sure i noe is impossible for us
I felt real bad..
I had been lying him something for abt 2 years
And he forgave mi..
Hope we still keep in contact..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is really passes fast 5 more days and im gng back to camp le
I still gt the 50-50 to declare or nt to declare
I really don know
Im feelin so miserable
Who can just help mi to solve my problem??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Btw im just so shock walkin on the street..
Seein my last time de fren
They saw mi..and they will always say...
As in they r seein some kind of monster..WOW!!! You become so skinny ar??
Felt quite sad..cos im nt tat skinny afterall
Even worst sometime seein ppl, i noe they are my pri or sec sch fren
I noe who they are..
I wanted to say hi..
But they don seem to recognize mi
Tats even sad..
Mayb anyone from now i see
Whether u noe mi or i noe u
I will pretend i didnt saw anyone of u all..
I hate ppl sayin mi tat i had become so skinny
Even my dad keep sayin tat too..
But worst till my dad kept sayin and with action
Keep askin mi to eat
Or wan to eat
As if im a piglet to him..
But nvm i noe my dad care for mi
And i love my dad..

I had know the answer

2007-06-02T04:35:00.000+08:00

Finally i had know the answer..
The little hint u had show
The little action u did
I just pretend i didnt see or hear anything
But deep in my heart the picture was still there..And always it will
Im really hurt
Really heartbroken as wat i can say
The pain is totally different from before
The pain really hurts deep down into my heart
I still wish to thanks u for letting mi to know the answer
I was just pretending all the way in bus tat nth had happened
I walk all the way from toh yi to my house
Who cares the distance is far or near
I don noe how much tears i had drop just now while walkin home
All i could do is just to cry silently
People tot im crazy
Yes, soon i gonna b one
I don noe, just don noe which mask to wear to meet u later
I still cant find the mask to really hide myself
Y nt u just let mi know, by tellin mi tat we two are nt possible to be together
Why not u just tell mi..
Rather lettin mi to knows the hints or just to pretend nth had happen..
I'm really finding ways to kill myself silently in my room now
Do i have to overdose again
I still have lots of tablets with mi..
Do i have to?
From the start till now y do u treat mi so nice
I don noe wat's the taste of cig now
I don noe when to be happy or when nt to be..
Cos everything i did was just pretending
Do i have to do tat all the way till u tell mi the truth?
Do i still have to carry on pretendin???
I really wish to know wat u actually had told him..
Must u let mi be the last to know everything
Lettin mi get hurts the deeper
Mayb tis time im right..
The action u did
The hints u given
I cant pretend anymore
Mayb i just have to pretend from it..
Mayb im just a fren to u, i meant nth special to u
Cos u treat all ur fren the same as treatin mi
Mayb im just the one who imangine too much
Tats y i have this feeling..
I really really hope to know wat u actually had tell him..
The moment i turn ard, u seem like nth had happen
I saw it with my eyes..
I just act as i didnt see anything..
Mayb one day even im gone u wont even notice it..
Should i just gave up
Is easy for mi to say so..
But deep in my heart the word let go is just like killin myself..
Mayb i just need to pretend nth had happened
Mayb i just need to pretend tat we'r just fren
U're just treatin nice, because u take mi as fren..
I really had broke down..
No one can cheer mi up now...
Even if u can
U wont know which mask im holdin on to it..
Just hope everyone can just fucked off themself infront of mi
I could nt take it anymore...

Test

2007-06-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

Pls do the test for mi

I just wan to know who knows mi well..

The others who know mi less den 50%, I will get rid of them

Muwahahaha..just kidding

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Link:http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/480714

Time passes fast

2007-06-01T02:17:00.000+08:00

Time is passin so fast

So fast tat i cant really take it

Im just left with a few more days before gng back to camp...

Tis few day, im quite happy

But my happiness is always been cover by my tears or sadness..

I really don know

Just got a feelin tat god is rather playin with mi..

Playin with my r/s, emotion & all of the things i had been gng through

I really cant handle much of it

I don noe how is camp like now

I don noe will i still have fren in camp

I don noe will i get use to it..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im tired of wearing my mask foolin ppl ard..

I just wan to be myself, but ppl ard gt hurt

I really can fool lotsa of ppl

So they tot tat im okie..

But everyday, the night tat comes

Hurts mi the most..Y must i fool ppl tat im happy, whereby i'm not..

A fren of mine call mi to talk to mi..

He says tat he's glad, cos i sound okie & nt tat despress to him..

But no matter how many ppl been fool by me..

They just or would never know the story behind it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really really cant take it anymore..

Wo bu ke yi zai ren shou le...

I really hope or rather wish i could die

I just wish someone could be with mi..

And we could die together..

I know by dying, we cant solve the problem

But by staying alife, can u solve it for mi??

In tis world no one just nt even a single person who can understand..

Even my family cant..So who can?

I really envy ppl who are really really close to their parent, sisters or brothers..

As i belived it will never never happen to mi..

Seeing my sister & my fren's sister

Everything is just totally different

Is just like heaven or hell

I just hate my sister so much, tat i really wish to kill her..

She always say gt anything go to her..

Yes, it is so easy for her to say..

Cos everytime wat she say is just wat she say..U will never see any action she had done..

At first, wat she says touch my heart..

And i told myself, i wanted to let her knows everything about mi..

Yes, tats at first onli...We can even just fight for little little thing

Y do i have a sister like her, i ask god...

I really wish i can share my things with her like wat my fren did..

But the impression u gave mi as my sister..

I think, i rather keep it myself is better...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who i am to u?

Sometime the msg u send mi upset mi

I really don noe..

I really wish to ask u

Wat do u treat mi as for now??

At first u told me was someone special

And now i really don noe...Wats the answer

U told mi tat the r/s we are walkin in are nt gd

U told mi, if we start a r/s we might break up..

U told me we will remain as lovely as before

Yes, i agreed to it, as wat u say have ur point..

But sometime i just don know..

I have always been trusting u in wat u say..

But sometimes i do felt tat u kept alot of things from mi..

Mayb i am thinkin too much..

Im just afraid u might slowly & slowly tryin to avoid mi...

Sometime wat u say, i noe u're just joking..But i just felt hurt

Just like something stab into my heart

I really don noe myself too..

U're just so special to mi

U had warm my heart..

I felt all the caring u had given to mi..

Im just so afraid to lose u..

Im just so lookin forward for everytime meeting u for lunch or gng out..

I don noe y.. i had really fallen in it too deeply..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If i could turn back time

I will still choose the path im walkin now

I will still choose to love u

I know this time i wont be wrong

But everything still lies in ur hand

U're the first ever person who really had light up my life & warm my heart...

Hope everything will just remain as the first time...